Edited: the 8 Stages of an All-Nighter

I saw this hilarious picture on 9gag (http://d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net/photo/1323879_700b.jpg).

Haha. Now that is funny but inaccurate! So here is Anusha's and my own version. Inspired by our late all-nighters and Anusha... I have written it!

1. Procrastination: We come home and sit there rejectedly staring at a blank sheet of paper. We proceed to finish all other homework while tumblr-ing/9gagging and chatting. We also start stocking up on snacks.

2. Challenge: After chatting and uselessly staring at a blank word document for hours, we finally face the clock and agree that the time is actually correct. (This should be around midnight.) We set our chat statuses on "busy" if we haven't already and set a status barring everybody away from talking to us. But of course we have our exceptions.

3. Work Terribly: For about and hour or so, we focus intensely on our work and our work alone! However, at the end of the hour we get tired and decide to look over our previous work. Ouch. It's not very pretty.

4. Complain: At this point, it is 1am. Usually we sign off and sleep by now but this time is the exception. We have to pull an all nighter to finish our work! Deciding that our work is terrible, we turn to each other and start complaining. The stress eating phase begins now.

5. Work Profusely Hard: For the next two hours or so, we dine in hell as we race against time to finish our work. Every so often, we check on each other via chat and update each other on our progress. By this hour, most people have signed off and it is just us two forever alone.

6. Breaking Down Session: We read over our "final" draft yet again and still discover it to be terrible. We break down and cry to each other. There is nothing that can be done now.

7. Adrenaline Rush: On the other hand, we somehow get an adrenaline rush or a brain blast! We usually finish our work by now. It's not up to our standards. But we'll take it.

8. Pass Out: Save, print, and pack our bags. We're done for the night. Hopefully, we'll scrape together at least two hours of sleep. Before signing off we promise each other to sleep early tomorrow. Like that's ever going to happen.

So yes, that is Anusha and my cycle of all nighters. Pretty accurate although the timings may vary. What I find amazing though is that Anusha and I sleep at about the same time. Weird, huh?

Finished 2/6!

It turns out that the brain bee registration is closed. Oh well. One less thing to do, right? Anyways, I went up to Berkeley to get my oboe fixed. Turns out it was a minor issue! So far...

To-do List:
1. debate briefs
2. Model UN topic synopsis (DONE!)
3. email 1
4. email 2
5. cleaning room
6. fix oboe (DONE!)
7. neuroscience notes (deceased)

I shall do #3 & 4 right now. :]
Oh! More on the Berkeley visit, it was really nice seeing the city. It's definitely older than around Saratoga  but very pretty indeed.

As for Model UN, apparently the club leadership screwed up (T____T) and we have to write our position papers by January 2nd! OH JOYS. Hello, all nighters. I'm doing the double delegation with Sidney though so hopefully it'll make things easier. We decided on doing legal committee as China! :D It shall be very very very interesting, since the topic involves discussing the rights in cyberspace. I'm looking forward to it!

Hmm, I think I shall try to attempt writing those emails now. I got the grant from Google by the way! Yay! I will put it to good use. SO OFF TO THOSE EMAILS.

Finished 2/7!

So I practiced some oboe? :D Does that count as 2/7? (Yes, I just added an extra task.)
I think I shall start cleaning my room.

Btw, Anusha, are you happy that I updated my blog? Thank you very much.

SOCHUM

Actually I forgot the publish the previous post. I actually finished like 15 minutes ago. xD Anyways, I finished reading about SOCHUM. Damn, I love the 2nd topic on social enterprises. It's just really amazing and eye opening. I really want to do that committee. >.< ~Convince Sidney!

Hmm, I think right now my list of preference goes like this...
1. Legal (if we have time and we're up to the challenge)
2. SOCHUM
3. IAEA

Anyways, I'm off to sleep! I think I shall set the alarm at 8:45am and mute it til the latest of 9:15! Plus, I have to go to Berkley tomorrow. Gotta go get my oboe fixed. ~Sigh. I didn't practice over break. I kiss my chances of getting into wind ensemble goodbye.

Finished 1/6!

I finished reading the Model UN synopses. AND I sent an email to Sidney regarding it. Therefore, I am on track! (Kinda) :]

Well, I kind of want to read the other topics. I only read the ones he told me to read... which were IAEA and Legal. There's still WHO, Historical Security, DISC, Security Council, UNDP, UNESCO, and SOHCUM. Actually, I think I want to read SOHCUM right now (because Kris is going for that committee for BMUN). Hehe.

Dang, that's a lot of acronyms.

New Years Eve

Wow, you guys, I cannot believe it is the last day of 2011 already. Shall I say it again? 2011 was amazing. It was unforgettable. It was a year of unique experiences, wonderful people, and self-exploration.

I will never forget it. <3

Hmm, now a challenge for myself.
I have approximately 23 hours before it is 2012. In this time, I will sleep. Then, I will wake up to be incredibly productive. I will finish reading debate briefs, Model UN topic synopses, and Rachit's abbreviated neuroscience notes. I will write a draft for my email(s). I will finish cleaning up my room.

Since that is not humanely impossible to finish those 6 tasks (I have 2 emails to write), I will attempt to finish at least 4.
My real expectation will be 2 or 3 tasks.

I will not be a failure.

On new year's day, I shall finish the remaining tasks.
By the end of break, I expect to have at least 4.75 of those tasks finished. By the end of January 7th, I will expect to have all of those tasks finished.

The time is set. Go!

Sonia, thank you. So much.
So much.
I cannot say how much that single phrase "Education first!" has snapped me back to reality.

For reals, guys, with four days left in break, shit is about to get serious. Productivity is now legitimately on.

Yes, bolded and italicized text means seriousness.

1st Rule of Thumb: Be a Lady

Keep your cool. If you find that you're in an awkward situation between your peers, calm down. Take a deep breath. And proceed as if nothing happened. If you must (and this is only if you must), take a step back and avoid them for a while. Chances are that if you do this you shall come out unscathed. Actual results may vary. For you, Sonia. :]

Hehe, I'm so glad I found a title for this. Thank you, To Kill a Mockingbird!

Blogger! Why are you having technical difficulties?

Our family hasn't moved since I started Kindergarden. As a result I grew up with the same group of 90 (or so) kids for the past nine years. Sometimes, I still see them as if they were still in fourth grade. Good times. Entering high school, I think I've seen some of them change. It's amazing! Mind blowing.

It's like watching the years go by so fast. In the end, you realize that everyone already grew up. And because you are your own person and you experience this whole painstaking process of growing up second by second, you get this feeling that maybe you didn't really grow up at all. You feel left behind. Although by going through that thought process you know that you did grow up over the years. Or did you?

Benefit of the doubt, yes? It's a terrible thing.

Anusha, GET OFF MY BLOG. </3 I'm kidding you can stay here if you want. Going back to French on Tuesday... Man, it'll be interesting. She should seat us near each other. :')

Mémoire 4: Diaries

When I was a little kid, I had thousands and thousands of journals that I'd draw in and write in. Good times... Having been cleaning my room for the past week, I came across a few old journals. I've had the upmost joy reading them and reliving my younger years. :') Good times. Good times.

And must I say that my grammar and spelling was impeccable! :D (~Guiltily hides~)

"There's nothing sadder in this world than to wake up on Christmas morning and not be a child"

Anonymous

Bringing Our Troops Home

So on my way to Mexico... in SFO, I saw five or six soldiers coming home. I thought they'd be really happy to be home. But I don't know if they were. True, it was about 4am in the morning. Yet, their expressions were intangible. I did not know how they were feeling. I still do not know. They were worried... perhaps sad? It probably was mostly fatigue. It's been a long time since they've been home.

I was just reminded of them by this picture I saw (Source).

Why is spotify not working on my computer either? Oh dear.

I'm convinced that there's something wrong with Firefox. For some reason, it keeps on crashing every single time I open it. Hmm. . . Odd. Well desperate measures call for desperate actions. I just deleted Firefox from my mac and opened up Safari. Haha. And why don't I use Chrome? Of course, I do! But I have to blog from a different browser (long story), so here I am!

And one hour into Christmas day... I already finished listening to one Christmas album. I think I'll just have 96.5 blasting carols all day. Yeah, that shall be very very fun. :]

Merry Christmas! :]

I remember... the summer before 8th grade... I vowed that I'd make that 2010-2011 school year the best ever, because high school would be starting the year after. Therefore, destroying all the fun. I'm glad I did. Eighth grade was amazing. Looking back on all the pictures. I lived! I took risks. It was brilliant. :] I'm really glad I went all out. I actually thought that all those events happened within a 2 year span but actually it was all just in 8th grade. Yep! Fun stuff. Loved it.

Okay, enough patting myself on the back. Time to get serious. I shall write that importante email tomorrow. I mean... this morning.

At this stage of sleep deprivation, I am cracking myself up. I am no longer in need of Jennings.

me: JENNINGS, why do you have to remind me of this shiz?
Jennings: T____T Cuz it's happening to me right now. :(
me: But why does your shit have to remind me of my shit? Why can't we have two separate piles of poo? One for you. One for me. BUT NO. Fate wants us to share a pile of poop. So instead of TWO we have ONE.
Jennings: HAHAHAHAHAHA.
me: What am I saying?
Jennings: In a way, I guess it's good.
me: Why... =.= Is it because I already did all the thinking for you? Lol jk.
Jennings: LOLL YOU DID. HAHAHA.
me: It's up to the individual. Oh my goshness.
Jennings: But I phrase it differently. xD

No but seriously! It is up to the individual. Only one can decide for oneself.

This parallel situation is really really scaring me now.

Be a man and tell him... STRAIGHT UP. Straight up, Jennings. GO! I am giving you support.

I think Jennings and I have the same problem. Yes or no? Wow, we're completely even in terms of numbers. x] Parallel situation x993427189234

Hmm, we're just under slightly different circumstances.

"The past is a good place to visit but certainly not a good place to stay."

Anonymous

"It will be even more challenging for the judge. If each side proves college is/not worth it for 1-2 groups
of people, how is the judge to decide which group is more important? It will be your job as a debater to provide coherent weighing mechanisms for the round."

Foundation Briefs

 Oh no.

I'm actually excited for Friday. Going skating with Mikael. :D I'll try not to fall flat on my face. Hahah. xD But poops! I wish we had some mutual friends. It's always more fun with a larger group.

Underneath a Blank Countenance Exists... Something?

"We're all walking around with glossy eyes. 'I'm just tired,' we say. Yes, we are tired, but it's not all from lack of sleep. We are tired of waking up with nothing to look forward to; tired of going to bed exhausted after doing a million things we find no enjoyment in doing. We're tired of this void, this emptiness that looms over us even though our days are packed. We're tired of this loneliness that presses down on us even though we're surrounded by dozens of people. So why can't we just say it? Humans are so afraid to look in each others' eyes and say, 'I'm unhappy, I am broken, I am hopeless and fallible.' We've been conditioned to associate pain with weakness, sadness with coldness, loneliness with unworthiness, difference with disease, as if these feelings are contagious, as if ambivalence is something not to be felt but to be feared. We are humans. We are meant to feel. To feel everything and to feel it all openly. We are not metal–– we are flesh and bone. We are intricate and beautiful and we should never hide our human attributes, because if we do, then what's left to show?"

Anonymous

I should clean my room more often! Haha. Okay, fine I didn't finish but I shall! Anyways, I found my necklace charm. :') I am now wearing it. All the memories.

Guess what else I found? My Sims 3 Ambitions activation code! I will go activate it tonight. Haha :'D Hello sleepless night.

Stalemate.

Let's tackle that to-do list!

Ehh... let's start with the most mechanical one. Cleaning my room yes?

Wow I blogged a lot today! I just added 15 posts in the past hour or so. Haha. Okay, well I'm off to sleep. Yes it was late today. But I'm kind of glad. I rediscovered the past (kinda). I relived it at the very least. (No I didn't.) I remembered our times!

Yes, that's what I did. I remembered LEA and caught up with Ms. Artistique. Haha, well it's seriously late. And I must sleep. Good night! :] I shall worry about the rest of the world tomorrow. I actually do have a lot of work to do over break...

I must finish blogging about 1st semester. I must update my private journal to present day. I must clean my room. I must type up that email regrading CAPE. I must cut cards. I must send Tiffany an email regarding debate. I must help my brother with his piano piece.

Hmm. ACTIVATE PRODUCTIVITY MODE. Mexico was brilliantly fun but I'm home! Back in California! Time to kick some things off my to-do list. Note to self: use this post as a to-do list.

We're so cocky as little kids. As we grow up, we become more humble and give way to other we know who are smarter than us. Haha, no it's just an interesting concept. I'm just really interested in the way the environment can affect peoples' behaviors.

Oh wait! I just realized that I didn't make overuse "z" as in... say "iz" or "wuz" or "lookz". But I did say "mite" and stretch out words like thisssssssssssssssss.

Oh well. xD At least I didn't overuse "z"! YES!

I used to remember that having 100 lined chats were impossible to achieve. I think I have on average... about 500 lined chats now. xD
Or at least 1000 lined chats daily with some certain people.
Is it healthy? Not necessarily... no. But it does mean that I have a lot to say and discuss. And a lot of awesome information is being passed on aka increasing productivity?

Aha. Nice try, self.

At this point when my head gets all dizzy from typing up stuff into my blog I usually sleep.
. . .
. . .
. . .
I will!
I will! Don't worry. Just... in 10 minutes? :D

Typography

I feel like the way someone chats/types reflects a lot about their maturity. Okay no. Not maturity but their stage in life. In seventh grade, my friends and I typed a lot like: "HAPPY NEW YEAR PPLZ!!!!!!!!!!!! ehh itz not time but ill say it now... yea... so 2009 was a weird year... OMG ITS THE LAST DAY OF THE DECADE! Yeah I hope 2010 will be even MORE AWESOMER"
(Haha sorry Lilly, I had to cite you.) But that was considered our friend-to-friend formal manner of typing, if you get what I mean. That is pretty sad. We overused the letter "z" and abused the exclamation mark, etc. etc.

Yes, nowadays, I also chat informally. Often doused with typos and emoticons. It's not necessarily a good thing. I also abuse caps lock. But I can't help it! It's okay. As time progresses I will learn to type formally. Perhaps just like Mikael. Haha.

I feel like this blog is getting a little bit too personal to be on the internet. I need to start a journal. But I don't know! I feel really awkward writing to myself just on a word document. If only there was a portion of the internet in which you can keep things private...

Haha! Silly me for even dreaming about it. We all know that's never going to happen.

It seems like everybody is in a hurry to either get in a relationship or get out of one. Please, you guys, slow down a second. Take a step back and look at your life. Do you really need them to be your girlfriend/boyfriend? Are you okay with them just being your friend? Is it lust that you're feeling or true love? I say that if you definitely think so just chill out and take a second look. If there's a slightest bit of doubt, deal's off. You can't just love someone halfway. That's not the type of love that you think you have for them. It's different.

Reassurance

It's nice that LEA can still pick up anytime and talk as if nothing every happened.
As if we're all still in 7th grade... talking and comforting each other on the phone.

I have absolutely no arm muscle.
I went banana boating two days ago in Mexico. Hanging on for my dear life, I basically worked out my biceps and finger muscles really hard for 15 minutes. Let's just say that I'm still sore.

Poops.

Future v. Past

So, you know how I read my old 7th grade blog with a whooping total of 6 posts? :D /endSarcasm

It actually made me really ashamed that I was pretty shallow back then. We were all shallow back then. I just wonder... at what point do you stop feeling ashamed of yourself when you look back? I don't want to read these early posts on this blog 3 years later and ask myself what the hell was I thinking.

Haha. The previous post was my 100th post on this blog. Looks like things really do make a full circle.

On the other hand, it's late. Please please please forgive me for writing pretty crappily about LEA. I know I'm not doing it justice but it's late.
And I absolutely must publish about it.
After all, reading my old blog... reading Lilly's old blog... AHEM. and to read Emily's old blog... It was called for.

Reminiscing

Three years ago, three girls met each other in the unnerving homeroom of Mrs. Wong, Room 42: one quiet, one boisterous, one artist.

One year later, an unlikely trio of three had become–– unexpectedly and as quickly as counting 1, 2, 3. They provided innumerable support for one another through all the heartbreaks, test cramming sessions, etc. Then, something happened. I'm not sure how we fell apart. I don't really remember... Perhaps something about where loyalties lie.

Although I think I have an idea now though. The quiet one had grown up far too quickly for the other two to catch up. She left first for others. Without her as the bond for the other two, they quickly fell into discourse and eventually fell apart.

One year ago, the boisterous one found others and grew up. The quiet one stuck with the artist through it all. The artist apparently "grew younger". However, the three still kept in touch every now and then. Their re-acquaintances were catalyzed by the unusual and unhealthy sharing of their own secrets. Once the secrets ran out though so did their friendship.

Upon entering high school, each were separated from one another. They were oblivious to each other. Their lives were completely separated. Their lines severed. Perhaps the only interaction was between the boisterous and the artist in marching band embedded in their scarce greetings. To this day, the quiet, the boisterous, and the artist still remain divided into their own lives. Not one attribute connects them except for the past that they share.

But knowing that the past exists is good enough. Seventh grade was a beautiful year for each of them. All of them went through a lot. However, knowing that they were all friends, a tight-knit, so called inseparable group of three, was enough to get them through it. Although barely any thanks were exchanged after their time of need, none was needed, for just knowing that all of the feelings were returned was just enough. It was just enough for those three.

Times have changed. Friendships were severed. Hearts fell in and out of love. Their steps grew further and further apart. Persevering through it all were the memories. The memories of those late night chats. The memories of the unending support. The memories of all those loving words and worries for each other. The memories of our sisterhood. That was our legacy. The fact that each of us are still alive today, happy, is the evidence of our existence. Our sisterhood is untouchable, forever ingrained in our minds. It formed as much of our character as our genes formed our bodies. For me, it's okay that we're not as tight as we used to be. Because to me, what really matters is that LEA existed. I owe you guys. Thank you for everything.

About Gamma

Wow, I have never ever seen this insightful part of you. I always thought of you as the creepy little creep smart computer guy who sits in the back of Niksch's class getting people in trouble (cough cough). But you know what, you do see what's happening. It actually seems like you're just making this revelation. Anyhow, it's amazing. Seeing you growing up like this. You say that you've known this for a while. Hmm, well, it's amazing seeing our friendship grow this way. You actually confide in me about these matters. It's extraordinary because I never exactly thought of our relationship this way.

If you asked me just last month, I would say that I don't think that I'd ever talk to you about these sort of things. But we are having these deep conversations about world politics and I will say over and over again... it's really quite amazing. It's like a veil has been lifted. I finally know what goes on behind that little evil scheming mind.

A friend said to me today...

Gamma: You seem to be unknowing on the outside about the world but I can see that inside you are as bitter about le world as me. LOL I'M SO PESSIMISTIC
Me: OH WOW. Thanks. You think I'm unknowing about the outside world–– outside of this bubble. Thanks.
Gamma: No no no. That's not what I meant. I mean on the outside you seem so carefree but inside it's so different. That duality is really interesting.

It really is interesting. Perhaps it's more of a psychological protection than rather an act I seem to put on.

Tsunami Clouds

   Cloud formations in Alabama...

   Wow, that is really amazing xD

To learn about the science behind it: http://tinyurl.com/tsunamiclouds

It's really really really relaxing to just sit on the beach, lean back, catch up, and just listen and watch the waves roll over.

Now, at this point I'm just randomly posting stuff.

But all of it concerns different topics so I suppose that it is acceptable!

I'm going to Tahoe/Reno on Wednesday to ski. Hehe. :]

I WISH TO SLEEP BUT I CANNOT.
Because I also don't feel like it...? xD

Why am I past the Christmas mood!
:'(

Old friendships pass. At least I still have Jennings, the meatball with me in losing diabeto's.

Hehe.
Driving along Puerto Vallarta's residential area...
Luis, our tour guide, was talking with us.

Luis: So where are you guys from?
Us: San Jose/Dallas
Luis: Oh! San Jose! I was there when I was younger... illegally.
Me: .____________________.
Luis: I was working at a farm.
Us: .___. Oh!

I have no idea how to react to it but I found his response interesting. Haha xD

On the bright side...

Mexico was brilliant. I loved the culture, the people, the food... everything!

Hmm. Writing stuff really does help.

To cry or not to cry?

I sometimes wonder about why I can't cry about stuff normal people cry about. If it's a really sad movie with this person dying of cancer, I can't cry. I'll tear up but I won't actually cry. If I really injure myself, I won't cry. I'll just tear up and start jumping around screaming to shake it off. If somebody breaks my heart, I won't cry. I'll just be moody.

Maybe I don't cry about those things because I've experienced a different type of pain that I actually cry about. I'm not trying to be whiny or anything. (But I suppose it doesn't matter. Nobody reads this blog anyways.) It's just that there are things in life that cut deeper than others.

I just cry about things with that pain or things that remind me of it. I've seriously been searching for an answer to this age-old question for myself all my life. Yeah, I've seen people with the same issue but they never know why either. Or maybe they just won't tell me. But I think I just got it figured out.

Everything will turn out okay.

Hey guys

I'm home now but it doesn't really feel like home.

Je me souviens

Hey there!
It's December 16th, 2011. I cannot tell you how fast this year passed. It seems like just yesterday us eighth graders were readying for Yosemite. It seems like just yesterday that we had that great awkward family in our hiking group. I still remember getting in the eye with a snowball and ended up tending to it for a few days. Prepping for that CAPE application. I vividly remember waking up that one Wednesday morning, groggy and moody. Checking my email through my phone... "Congratulations: ..." and I didn't even have to see anymore. I remember jumping up with glee, screaming. It made my whole day. I remember practically running to school to check who else got in... I didn't find anyone else from Miller until I actually went there.

I remember the rush of graduation. The indefinite search for a grad dress. The far too long grad practices. The minimal about of time allowed for yearbook signing. The end of the school year came so quickly. My family and I vacationed in London for a week, which was the most relaxing thing I have ever done. Then, it was off to CAPE, the most amazing program that I've ever been in. The experience on whole was brilliant: the food, the activities, the people. I don't know any other group that connected as quickly as our group at CAPE.

The summer quickly came to a close. Band camp started... At first, I didn't want to march at all. But looking back at it now, it's all worth it. The sleepover was just plain crazy. Singing, walking around, playing nerf, swing dancing, playing soccer, playing volleyball, getting huge blisters, eating food, watching people play kirby, failing at kirby... Fun stuff. I somewhat recall passing out at 7am. I remember our first show. I remember our rainy show. I remember our last show. I remember Fresno. The bus trip home... Through all the arguing and noise, I've got to admit it was very fun.

I remember the first day of high school. It was pretty. . . meh, bland, boring. Things got better though. I stayed with my old friends and still managed to make new ones. I remember watching a pretty "awesome movie".

Then there was sacrificing soccer for robotics, debate, etc, which now brings us to our current day. Going through finals for the first time... it was intimidating. But I know what to do next time!

Je me souviens. I remember...

Since it's about 2am right now, I no longer have a fully competent mind but what the point of this post is to basically say that 2011 has been amazing. I love it. It was just wonderful, enriching, and fun. I've learned so much this year-- so much. I really want to touch up on a couple of events though, just for the sake of remembering. You see, I kind of have this thing with a loss of culture, memories, knowledge, etc. I refuse to let it happen to myself. So I shall start recording all my memories from 2011 starting Tuesday!

Notes to myself:

• CAPE
• Marching band
• Soccer
• Jazz band
• Winter concert
• Debate tournament (Saratoga HS)
• Chinese school
• Piggie commercial
• Finals
• Mexico

Oh, that reminds me. In just 1.5 hours, I'll be leaving for a flight over to Mexico. My family is going to be chilling there for a few days. I actually have no idea what to expect. But, I'll see. I don't think I'll be having access to the internet while I'm there, so good bye for a couple til Monday night! I will be keeping a journal during my time there. Hopefully, I'll get some brilliant inspiration so I can write something really nice. Anyways, I'm going to take a short nap. See you in a few days!

To Fight or to Surrender?

Hehe... I kind of lost track of time thinking about stuff... not related to finals.

But let's just say that I can't improvise to save my life. And it's killing me because I sound so damn retarded every time I try.

I don't want to go tomorrow.
But I do. You see, I'm not the type of person who likes to give up on something.

On the other hand... it's the end of finals. Don't I get a break? I feel like I'm subjected to humiliation every time I go there. I mean, I don't know if you had gone through this before and somehow persevered to become the pro musician you are now. All I know is that I can't do it. I try at home to get a hang of it. Frankly, I'm having more fun playing what others wrote-- whether it's jazz, classical, modern, etc. You say that's not true musicianship to just play what others wrote. Well, screw it. Not everybody can have that type of musical aptitude that you have.

Yes, perhaps I have inferiority complex about this. It's not that I don't enjoy listening or playing jazz. It's just the improvising part. Comping, yeah I can take it (maybe) but improvisation. Gosh, I just don't see how it happens. How you can just bust a beautiful melody by hearing it in your head. Being classically trained these past seven years, it's hard to defy everything you've learned and just go with the flow. The opposite of jazz is embedded in me. Yes, with practice and time, I shall break free of my restrain, but that's going to take time. And, I don't really a year is going to be enough.

Prachi and I, we both kind of have the same problem with jazz band, although I think Prachi's refusal to go to rehearsals is borne more out of laziness. Anyhow, we don't want to quit though because we feel like we're letting people down. In Prachi's case, she's actually needed, as the only trombonist. Whereas in my case, I can be let go and actually I think it'd save people trouble. One half tenor, half pianist; one full-time pianist; one extraneous percussion person. It all fits. The reasons why I don't want to quit though is because I feel like he's going to hate me, I feel like you're going to think of me differently, I feel like I'd be giving up on something great. I really have no idea what to do tomorrow. I suppose, I'll just make up my mind tomorrow. Whatever I feel like doing after 12:30 tomorrow. I could go either way. If I'm feeling suicidal, I'll go to jazz band. If not, I'll feel extremely EXTREMELY guilty but I'll probably go eat lunch with some friends.

It's the last school day of the year. I don't really want to end it with feeling retarded at rehearsal. It kind of ruins the celebratory feeling of end of finals.

Not that it already didn't.

So for a few weeks, my dad and I switched laptops. I needed a windows to run CAD. He need my mac to run other... stuff.

His laptop was a 11.5" netbook, Lenovo Thinkpad. Really nice processor and specs. :] But you know what? After using it for the past few weeks, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate my mac's 13" screen. Yes! It is only a 1.5" difference. However, that little bit makes up a lot in terms of my vision. I had to squint and use a really sensitive mousepad for that windows, and boy, that was not fun. Not fun when you're trying to take notes for 10 hours straight.

As I am typing this on my mac, I hope that this will serve as my inspiration for my literature finals essay. It'll have to do. So thank you, Steve Jobs! I also declare macs awesome because of their user-friendly interface. (If some people read this, I'm going to get hurt badly for saying the previous sentence. Haha, thou shall not give into peer pressure.) Anyways, back to writing my essay!

It's already 11pm. Crap.

To Anusha:

Is my blog distracting? :] Try not to fail finals.
WE SHALL SLEEP EARLY.

List of Fears

1. Biology
2. Java
3. PE
4. Language Arts
5. Alg.2/Trig
6. French I
7. Band

Finals Week

First finals week of my life?
Haha, this weekend was hella stressful. I guess I'll get to say more about it on Thursday.
Because!
On Friday, I'll be at Mexico with my family and cousins, so that'll be a nice break from life.
OFF TO SLEEP. I may average at 1am now but I shall start sleeping very early next semester, aka 11? :D

Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too oldShow me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we’re told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as wellJust know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

For reals, last post. Just random ponderations... By my old tired self. Night!

Lol, just had an interesting talk about cuddling with Tyler.
"Who doesn't like cuddling?"
"I don't!"
"WHAT?"
"CLAUSTROPHOBIA"

Maybe, I'm just the odd one out. Haha or I just don't get it yet.
My pillow needs me! :3 Good night. I shall now proceed to cuddle with my blankets until that jealous alarm wakes me up.

Distance by Christina Perri

The sun is filling up the room
And I can hear you dreaming
Do you feel the way I do right now?
I wish we would just give up
Cause the best part is falling
Call it anything but love

And I will make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" when you're not listening
How long can we keep this up, up, up?
And please don't stand so close to me
I'm having trouble breathing
I'm afraid of what you'll see right now
I give you everything I am
All my broken heart beats
Until I know you understand

And I will make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" when you're not listening
How long can we keep this up, up, up?

And I keep waiting
For you to take me
You keep waiting
To save what we have

So I'll make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" when you're not listening
How long can we keep this up, up, up?

Make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" when you're not listening
How long til we call this love, love, love?

Off to the winter concert. :]
First one of my high school career. Haha
*first of many?

You know that perfect moment when everything just makes sense? :] It's amazing.

My long awaited slumber :') Come to me at last.

Seriously.
I promise.
Tomorrow, I'm going to start to get serious about studying. I wasted far too much time this week.

Haha this is my 19th post this month, and it's only been a week.
I AM NOW BLOGGING REGULARLY! :D

Achievement unlocked.

Busy busy busy busy busy busy last few weeks of the semester.
I promise that I shall actually write about what happened in the past few weeks.
Because some awesome thing did happen.
x]
Haha, kays. I'm off to sleep.

Now, I shall literally sleep. I shouldn't take 3 hours naps. One hour should be efficient enough to let me slumber at a normally proper time.

Bonsoir!

Mémoire 3: Chanter

"You and Me" contains... a lot of memories. Haha. I think I'm the only one who remembers them though. x]

On a somewhat related note, I recall during the last corral at Miller they had karaoke. Let's just say that Sonia and I like singing. AND THE STORY ENDS THERE.

You and Me by Lifehouse

What day is it? And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say
Just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words, you got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you

Something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of

You and me and all of the people
With nothing to do and nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it? And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive

Ponderation

I didn't know "ponderation" was a word!

ponderation: (n) the act of weighing
Source: http://www.thefreedictionary.com/Ponderation

Well, you learn a new thing everyday, right?

Ponder-ation

Cliques. They're odd. We've all seen them in the movies. Mean Girls, anybody?
Haha anyways, growing up in the bay area, we don't see them that much. Or at least, I haven't seen a huge impact of cliques on my life. Nowadays, after a few months in high school, I can't help but notice some people have changed. They're now their own little group and it's just odd to see them go off by themselves. I quote from my friend today, "They can actually be quite cold." 

Phew, I thought I was imagining stuff. I can't help but notice that either, especially since I was actually really close to some of them last year. We all changed. I know I did, drastically. But it's interesting to contrast. I've lost touch with so many people from last year. But I've also gained a bunch of new friendships. I've grown way closer to some of my old friends too.

It's just that... it seems like I only talk to a few people 30000x in a single day. I don't know if I feel bored? But it's just very repetitive every day. I forgot what it feels like to be friends with some people. You know how there are different types of friendships? Let's say... there exists friendships a - z. I've got my buds a-j. What happened to k-z? They've disappeared and frankly I miss them. I just can't help feeling that you look at me weirdly now whenever I say hi. In the beginning of the year, we used to exchange enthusiastic greetings. Now, it's just a sidelong glance and a quick walk away. What happened? I'm not sure.

I can't help feeling that this is an effect of being away all summer at CAPE. I can't help feeling that this is an effect of marching band. I definitely don't regret either. But it's just that... being immersed in a program. You begin to lose connection with people outside of your little sphere of everyday conduct. It's saddening. And I repeat, I definitely do not, do not regret any of my decisions. You know, friends are great, but it's hard to tell who actually likes you for who you are and not what you do. The ones that stick around even though I barely have anything in common with them anymore: they're the ones who count. Because I know through all the complaining and tough patches in life, they're the ones I can count on.

You guys, thank you. Seriously, you mean a lot to me. You know who you are. :]

"Back to December" means so much to me. There's just so much of my past in it. But it's not even my past. It's my wistfulness and my need to change what already happened. Time to let go? Maybe. We never found proper closure.

Mini shout-out: Some people know what I'm talking about. Haha. But I don't think they know about this blog. Thank you to them though. They helped a ton. :] 

Back to December by Taylor Swift

I'm so glad you made time to see me
How's life? Tell me, how's your family?
I haven't seen them in a while

You've been good, busier than ever
We small talk, work and the weather
Your guard is up, and I know why

Because the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind
You gave me roses, and I left them there to die

So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and make it alright
I go back to December all the time

These days, I haven't been sleeping
Staying up, playing back myself leaving
When your birthday passed, and I didn't call


Then I think about summer, all the beautiful times
I watched you laughing from the passenger side
And realized I loved you in the fall

And then the cold came, the dark days
When fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love, and all I gave you was goodbye

So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time

I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile
So good to me, so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night
The first time you ever saw me cry

Maybe this is wishful thinking
Probably mindless dreaming
But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right

I'd go back in time and change it, but I can't
So if the chain is on your door, I understand

This is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and make it alright
I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time, all the time

Ahh! Tomorrow (or today) is the first debate tournament of my high school career.

I'm scared.

Tiffany Chen and I are doing parli (no need to write cases!) but the problem is that I'm not familiar with that form of debate. So, I'm actually pretty worried right now. I just hope that tomorrow everything will be a-okay after going through the first round and getting the gist of things.

I just wish that we'd be doing 4 rounds instead of just 3. Argh! Well, hopefully, we won't fail. I'm setting my goal for 3-0. Realistic goal at 2-1. And standard at 1-2. If we go 0-3, I'll be extremely disappointed in myself.
Extremely.


Anyways, wish me the best of luck. I'm off to sleep. :] More updates tomorrow!

Thou shall...

Major goal: Sleep earlier than 12 for the last two weeks of the semester.

THOU SHALL NOT BE EXHAUSTED.
THOU SHALL GET COFFEE FOR THOSE TERRIBLE NIGHTS.
THOU SHALL NOT PROCRASTINATE.
THOU SHALL STUDY EFFECTIVELY.
THOU SHALL NOT SKIP DEBATE PRACTICES.
THOU SHALL OWN ON SATURDAY'S TOURNAMENT.
THOU SHALL NOT SOCIALIZE AFTER SCHOOL ANYMORE.
THOU SHALL TAKE SHORTER NAPS.
THOU SHALL EAT HEALTHIER.
THOU SHALL EAT BREAKFAST.
THOU SHALL EAT LUNCH.
THOU SHALL EXERCISE.
THOU SHALL HYDRATE.
THOU SHALL HANG AROUND THE LIBRARY MORE.
THOU SHALL PRACTICE FOR SCCBDA AUDITIONS.
THOU SHALL BE A CHANGED PERSON.

Let's start with sleeping earlier. Hehehe...

"Oh" Posts

Oh self, why am I talking so oddly?

Oh bitter homework, I'm so glad you're straightforward to do. If you must exist, I'm glad you're very easy.

Oh weather, why must you be so terribly cold? It's not nice to subject people to bitter cold wind 24/7. It's also not nice to make my hair fly everywhere. It's really quite hard to see that way.

Crazy Week

Ahhh! My mind is absolutely reeling right now. It's been so hectic these past couple of days. It will be hectic in the next couple of days.

1. I just found out that the activities points sheet is due tomorrow. Hello running around like crazy around campus trying to get teachers to sign my sheet. x.x''
2. Black Friday = messed up sleep cycle = not good
3. Doing some SOUL SEARCHIN' yesterday
4. Baking les buches de noel for 5.5 hours with 3 other very crazy people = fun but hella tiring. I am now afraid of every kitchen appliance I see. I am also afraid of eating my own cake. But hey, it looks pretty at least!
5. CAPE REUNION DINNER! :D <3 I'm going to see everyone again.
6. Damn, something important was going to happen on Friday... I forgot. Ouch. x.x''
7. First high school debate tournament on Saturday. Going with Tiffany Chen in parli. Let's win some? :D ~Hopeful.
8. SCCBDA auditions coming up next Saturday.
9. Got a new reed box! :D
10. Got yelled at! :D
11. Needs to run around campus like crazy tomorrow. :D
12. Has late start but needs to wake up early to do homework. :D
13. Is going crazy! :D
14. I'm gonna die! :D
15. Sleep deprivation! :D
16. Completed a Sims Social Quest! :D
17. Doesn't know if this post is coherent! :D
18. I'm going crazy! :D
19. Too many rumors! :D
20. Going to fail yoga skills test because of group! :D
21. Saw winter perc practicing and is really really jealous! :D
22. Loves the book, To Kill a Mockingbird. :D
23. Trying to review for French test tomorrow by tutoring friend! :D
24. Failing at tutoring my friend! :D
25. Not studying for a really hard java test tomorrow! :D
26. Not sleeping! :D

I now officially pronounce myself mental, crazy, and high.
I have no idea what I accidentally poisoned myself with while making that cake. Rachit and Anusha seem just as wonky as I am. Sidney is the only normal one. Maybe I should point my finger to someone else when it comes to contamination. After all, he was the one who was manning the stove. Hmm. Haha. Jk. We're all just wonky. Crazy.

I shall expand on my baking experience some more when I have time.
All I can say is that I am glad that I don't have to bake cakes to save my life.

A million memories running through my head. It just depresses me that in a few years I won't remember. Or even worse, I won't care.

Charlie Brown Christmas

First person shooter games are so interesting. I just hope I don't get addicted.

"Stop and Stare" by OneRepublic

This town is colder now, I think it's sick of us
It's time to make our move, I'm shaking off the rust
I've got my heart set on anywhere but here
I'm staring down myself, counting up the years
Steady hands, just take the wheel...
And every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal... for the life I lead

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can you see what I see

They're trying to come back, all my senses push
Untie the weight bags, I never thought I could...
Steady feet, don't fail me now
Gonna run till you can't walk
Something pulls my focus out
And I'm standing down...

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, you don't need

What you need, what you need...

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be
Oh, do you see what I see...

Excited for Christmas!

Oh dear, I keep thinking of new things to document about this sleep-deprived day! :D

I am personally REALLY excited for Christmas this year. I was listening to the local radio station today and they were playing Christmas carols. It's always just so merry and happy and bright whenever I hear carols. I think they're my favorite part of Christmas. I really don't have anything else to look forward to other than the singing.

Oh okay, presents are really cool. Skiing trips are awesome. The feeling of "family" is the best. (But do we really get that? I'm not sure.) Every aspect of Christmas is great and joyful but I don't think they're accentuated as much as they should be in my area. Carols, on the other hand, are timeless and are written to inspire happy feelings of joy and unity. Might I say, that they're written very well because they do exactly that. Anyways, I'm really excited. Because now I can start skipping around school singing all day and I won't get as many weird looks as I should. :D (Or maybe I will. . . Lynbrook might think I'm weird! ~sobs)

Well, I'm listening to Michael Buble's new Christmas album right now. I personally love it. :] Go check it out and have fun with it. Haha. Get some Christmas cheer in your life!

Black Friday 2011

Today it was Black Friday! :D Yay!
Should I be happy? Not necessarily. Starting from 10pm on Thanksgiving day, my friend came over for a mini sleepover whilst we waited for stores to open. Naturally, like at any sleepover, no matter how much you want to sleep, you just can't-- not with your friend sitting there 5 feet away from you. The laughter and jokes are never-ending and the possibility of pranks? Ouch.

Well, we finally got to sleep around 1am. And slept... and slept... and slept... slept some more...
Until that damned alarm woke us up at 4:45am. Yet again, not fun.
So we readied ourselves and ate cup noodles for breakfast! Yeah! :D And... interesting looking, under-cooked bagel bites. Great stuff, right? Really healthy.

We got to the mall 30 minutes later than planned (arrived at 5:30am) and we found barely any good sales.
That was just the worst part. We tormented ourselves through this sleep deprivation (and I'm still doing it as I type up this one last post) for absolutely nothing. The sales were terrible. "Buy one get one 50% off!" Oh goodie. If this is Black Friday, it just shows how terrible inflation is and the state of our economy. It's really terrible actually. I don't think there were many sales this year. Although I did get some good deals...

I bought a scarf for $4! :D And it's really pretty and soft and pretty and soft and pretty and soft. Haha, it's just an awesome scarf and scarves are awesome anyways. <3

I bought a cardigan for $6. :P That was kind of regular priced. (I only saved $0.80.)

I bought jeans for $10. So that's one thing off my "must-buy" list! :D (Although my must-buy list is comprised of jeans and jackets.)

I bought a jacket for $35. This was definitely my worst deal, but it might actually be worth it. I suppose time will tell. I'm not really sure about how it looks on me. All I know is that it's not consistent with my normal style. This jacket kind of reminds me of a motorcycle jacket. :P But it's really really really really really warm and frankly, that's all i care about. xD I think I'll keep it though. It looks nice at least in my opinion!

So, yes, those are my 4 purchases this Black Friday. OH! That reminds me...

These are the most epic hats ever.

I love them so much and if they were less than $8 I would've bought them with my friend!
ARGH RAGE. :( But it was priced at $12. I'm so disappointed right now. Haha I can only imagine the possibilities. They're beautiful really. Hahah. Abnormal hats ftw!

Okay, I'm out.

Oh wait, one last note haha:
I'm just so glad that pea coats are like the "in" fashion right now. I walked around the mall and everywhere I saw pea coats and I started spazzing with happiness. I didn't find any particularly nice ones (well that were priced reasonably) so I didn't buy one. I got my leather jacket! :D But I cannot believe the price tags on some things. There was this really nice coat at Abercrombie that cost $260.
Tell me, 260? Please, I can get a computer or an iPod with that money. That is just insane.

WAIT. That also reminds me:
There were these models standing outside Hollister and Abercrombie for some odd reason. They had their shirts off and all these creepy moms shopping with their daughters were taking pictures with them. I don't know what would urge them to do that. I personally kind of find that awkward. Oh and apparently one girl kissed a model after she was done with her picture. Awkward... Anyways, my friends and I found that really odd. Yeah. It was just not... pretty.

Anyways,
Off to sleep! :] Bonsoir!

Musicality: Is it an acquired taste. . . or are you born with it?
Same with fashion. Sometimes I don't understand either.

Whimsical Wishes

If there ever existed a point of pure median… a suspension of time in the happiest of places with the ones held most dear to a heart. If there ever existed one, man would end his eternal search and stay there forever. Until it turns old, all of man would be happy and then there would be a historical moment where all things in nature coexisted with each other.

"I've been here before, one day, a week
And it won't hurt anymore
You caught me in a lie, I have no alibi
The words you said don't have a meaning 'cause

I still don't have a reason and you don't have the time
And it really makes me wonder
If I ever gave a thought about you and I
So this is goodbye"

Maroon 5, "Makes Me Wonder"

What does it mean to be your own individual?

"Individualism is rather like innocence; there must be something unconscious about it."

Louis Kronenberger

I wish to run an experiment that'll determine the best education system for the general population. True, it's conditional based on each person but it'd be interesting to see how culture, socioeconomic situation, and learning style affects each individual over the course of their childhood/adolescence. Maybe the government can't be effective for 100% of the population but it'd be nice to at least get 75% right?
Eh, I can dream.

Does such a balance exist between social life, academics, and sleep?
I'm beginning to think that at least two must suffer at once.

Stravinsky's Firebird Suite is really quite beautiful. Every time I listen to it, I can't help but to be reminded of a firebird's mythical wings fluttering in the wind. The music portrays the fleeting movements of the firebird so well. It's actually quite a magical feeling.

Go experience it for yourself! Listen to this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrphCzKCQiA
I've never heard an interpretation as stunning as that one. :]

"So fall down, I need you to trust me
Go easy, don't rush me
Help me out, why don't you help me out?"

Maroon 5, "Never Gonna Leave This Bed"

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! :]

We're quickly approaching the end of 2011. Time to look back now, right?

The human mind is. . . so interesting. Hmm, it's amazing, really.

Mémoire 2: Le Football

I remember the first game I played really well in.

I was playing in AYSO on the Purple Panthers, U6 team. All my soccer friends were there: Emma, Catherine Pugh, and other... people. And that day, I remember striking the ball perfectly. The ball seemed to find its niche in my foot-- just right there on my laces. I scored two goals in that game. :]

Fast forward a couple of years...

I was playing in U10 for the Turkey Tournament and we went into sudden death. That was the first time I ever kicked a ball so far. The coach lined me up first for the shot. I kicked the ball and it soared right over the top of the net. Yeah, I didn't exactly make the shot, but hey, it was a really nice kick. We lost that game... At least, we all had fun! :D

A couple more seasons...

In one of the last few seasons I played for AYSO, I remember I dribbled up all the way from our side to the other team's side. And I didn't even notice it until afterwards my parents told me. Haha, good times. Made a cross... Oops, it didn't get finished but it was nice to see that I could do that.

Sixth grade...

I was really doubtful about making the team. But yay! I got in anyways as a pixie, even if I was a bench-warmer.

Seventh & Eight grade...

I got made starter. :D Yayy! And in my 8th grade year, I averaged about 1.5 goals every game. That, my friend, is the peak of my soccer career.

So it just brings me back to now. I think I have to quit the soccer team this year. There's just too many commitments that are conflicting with the practice times. It's not like I want to. I really don't. But I have to-- for the sake of my sanity and commitment. Here goes all my hopes about being team captain or being a starter. Here goes my goal of being on the soccer team all four years of high school. My soccer career stops here for now. And the rest of the road, truthfully, is looking tentative. Whether it leads off a cliff or into a land of happy soccer players, I'm not so sure. Only time can tell.

It just makes me sad. Soccer is a part of me. I've been playing it since 2nd grade and now I have to give it up for new things that I may (frankly) suck at. I'm going to miss it. I really do love soccer but right now, I just don't love it enough to sacrifice the rest of my life.

"I wonder why bereaved people even bother with mourning clothes when grief itself provides such an unmistakable wardrobe."

Jandy Nelson, The Sky is Everywhere 

Rant on Sickness

I hate being sick. Whenever I am, I have these terrible migraines that render me helpless. I can't think. I can't speak coherently. I lose all my emotions. All I can think is, "I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm dead. I can't think. What happened? Stop talking to me." It's quite terrible. And people don't get that my headaches really do kill me. I don't appear sick on the surface but inside I'm in a world of pain. So whenever I'm sick, my social life suffers miserably because everybody thinks I just don't want to talk to anybody. It's not that I don't want to. It's just that I can't. (Ok fine. I'm also a drama queen when it comes to feeling shitty. But for reals, I really do feel terrible right now and it's killing me.)

A few of my friends came up to me today and asked me if I was feeling okay. "You're usually really happy and talkative." Haha. That made me feel so much better.

"Is it really that obvious?" I respond with a chuckle.

"What do you mean?"

"I'm just not feeling very well. But thanks for noticing."

"Oh, I see. Feel better!"

Something along those lines. But it's nice to know that people noticed. On the other hand though, this was all during class time. Do I really talk that much in class? Haha. I'm laughing on my side again.

Well, hopefully sometime this sickness will pass. It's really killing my happiness. I hate fatigue. I hate having migraines. I hate being sore everywhere. I'm young! I must recuperate quickly but to do that, I must sleep first. Haha. Good night!

/endRant

(Ps. I'd really really like to be left alone actually when I'm sick. I just did not want to talk to anybody today. Don't take it personally if I just randomly leave and go sit in my forever alone corner. It just makes me happier. And please don't take it personally if I give you one or two worded replies. I just don't feel like talking. You know who you are. :D)

Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long.

Sara Bareilles, Gravity

Soccer: the Symbolism of my Childhood

At this point it comes down to choosing between soccer/health and debate/model UN/robotics/oboe. Which road shall I travel down?

I used to love soccer. However, after all this competitiveness, I'm not sure anymore. I used to find joy in playing but now. . . what do I find? I find worry and stress that plagues my thoughts before, during, and after practice. I find wounds, sores, and muscle strains all over my body. It just makes me question: how long will it take before I completely lose the face of soccer? I'm not sure how much longer I have. Sometimes, fleeting sporadic moments of joy come back to comfort me. But they're becoming increasingly scarce. Maybe I should just take a break this year, play recreationally, and then get my game back for sophomore year.

There's just a bit of doubt though. What if I get used to this no-soccer lifestyle? What if I get too attached to some other activity? What if when I come back I'll be shunned by all my soccer friends for not being with them freshmen year (if I even come back)? What if I never find my footing again and just give up soccer altogether?

It used to be my dream to play soccer in college alongside my extracurriculars. It is still there–– just like a wisp of fancifulness existing in the back of my mind. But that part of me is fading and frankly, it's scaring me. Soccer was my one connection to the younger me. And losing that, it's like losing a part of me.

I stare at my face in the mirror. Who am I? I note the dark circles under my eyes. I follow that little wrinkle of worry on my forehead. I stare down the cut I recently received at soccer tryouts. I look down to a picture of my younger self: worry-free, innocent, gleeful. She's full of potential–– ready to show the world what she's here for. I look back at myself and desperately try to find some sort of a resemblance. It's hard. I almost didn't find any. . . until I looked myself square in the eyes. There, you can still spot a little fire of determination. It is, again, faint but nonetheless still there.

So that'll do for now. That little flame of determination isn't much but it's enough to keep me going. With only just a matter of time, I'll find my footing again. I'll find my kick again. I'll find my way back home. It'll just take a little while longer.

The Road Not Taken

By Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.