To Fight or to Surrender?

Hehe... I kind of lost track of time thinking about stuff... not related to finals.

But let's just say that I can't improvise to save my life. And it's killing me because I sound so damn retarded every time I try.

I don't want to go tomorrow.
But I do. You see, I'm not the type of person who likes to give up on something.

On the other hand... it's the end of finals. Don't I get a break? I feel like I'm subjected to humiliation every time I go there. I mean, I don't know if you had gone through this before and somehow persevered to become the pro musician you are now. All I know is that I can't do it. I try at home to get a hang of it. Frankly, I'm having more fun playing what others wrote-- whether it's jazz, classical, modern, etc. You say that's not true musicianship to just play what others wrote. Well, screw it. Not everybody can have that type of musical aptitude that you have.

Yes, perhaps I have inferiority complex about this. It's not that I don't enjoy listening or playing jazz. It's just the improvising part. Comping, yeah I can take it (maybe) but improvisation. Gosh, I just don't see how it happens. How you can just bust a beautiful melody by hearing it in your head. Being classically trained these past seven years, it's hard to defy everything you've learned and just go with the flow. The opposite of jazz is embedded in me. Yes, with practice and time, I shall break free of my restrain, but that's going to take time. And, I don't really a year is going to be enough.

Prachi and I, we both kind of have the same problem with jazz band, although I think Prachi's refusal to go to rehearsals is borne more out of laziness. Anyhow, we don't want to quit though because we feel like we're letting people down. In Prachi's case, she's actually needed, as the only trombonist. Whereas in my case, I can be let go and actually I think it'd save people trouble. One half tenor, half pianist; one full-time pianist; one extraneous percussion person. It all fits. The reasons why I don't want to quit though is because I feel like he's going to hate me, I feel like you're going to think of me differently, I feel like I'd be giving up on something great. I really have no idea what to do tomorrow. I suppose, I'll just make up my mind tomorrow. Whatever I feel like doing after 12:30 tomorrow. I could go either way. If I'm feeling suicidal, I'll go to jazz band. If not, I'll feel extremely EXTREMELY guilty but I'll probably go eat lunch with some friends.

It's the last school day of the year. I don't really want to end it with feeling retarded at rehearsal. It kind of ruins the celebratory feeling of end of finals.

Not that it already didn't.