Here's to the hopeful survival of the USPS!

Technology is changing our world in unforeseen ways.

I will probably hate myself when I wake up in the morning. Haha... well... a sudden inner turmoil has overtaken me and I wasn't able to sleep. (There goes my hopes of fixing up my sleep cycle.)

But nothing like a little math to actually get you pumped more! Joy.

I realized after a while (or after winter break started) that...
sleeping late has become a choice and not so much a necessity.

Hmm, I have one idea for a new year's resolution!

Hi there! My name is Allison, and I'm a work alcoholic. The number of deadlines I have is crushing!

Last week of physics... I'm gonna miss my lab group. </3

"Say Something" by A Great Big World

I wish I had found this song earlier. It's beautiful.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'll be the one, if you want me to.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I am feeling so small.
It was over my head
I know nothing at all.

And I will stumble and fall.
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl.
...
And I will swallow my pride.
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye.

Haven't blogged in a while because...
I was super busy! Yay!

Basically, last weekend was pretty amazing. The summit was great... and I think I already posted about that...

So this past week, it was like midterms week for me. Two part tests in all of my AP courses, which by the way all fell on the same days. It was hell, especially since I didn't get to study the previous weekend! Hopefully, I didn't bomb, but we'll see.

Of course, because I was up studying late all nights, my immune system kind of... wonked out on me on Friday... evening! Perfect timing if anything for me to get sick. I spent all of Saturday running around Crafts Fair and attending whatever I previously committed to. But when I got home I basically (ate pho and then) wonked out and slept 11pm-11:30am. Yay!

Now, I'm feeling almost normal. My ears unplugged, and I'm not blowing my nose every other minute! I actually kind of great. The funny part is that my sinuses cleared up shortly after I read Dimmesdale's death in Scarlet Letter. Hehehe.

I just finished that book by the way. Brilliant! Love it! Would not read it all over again though. Great academic book though. I think there's a lot to write about. ;) I can feel it trembling under the surface like oil. Got my drill ready to go! Essay is due in 2 weeks.

Post-Summit Depression

Amazing week 2 group. Keep on dreaming!

I feel so heartbroken and empty right now. Spending so many hours locked up in that room with all those amazing people makes every day life feel quite lonely and plain. I'm really going to miss everyone, but I'm glad that we'll still talk online.

And the actual summit? Educational, amazing, inspiring! Really, I've gained a whole new outlook on leadership. I wish I had all those ppts they showed us, because I'm sure that I'd need them in the future. Lifelong skills++.

To Project Ice, we rocked it!

To all the Trailblazers, love you!

To the Google team, thank you so much for the experience, and I look forward to working with you guys again in the future!

So because I was taking a break from annotating, I tried on makeup today...

me: Albert, do you notice anything different? ~gets nearer to his face
Albert: Your pimples?
me: ~crying inside~ Anything else?
Albert: Your eyelashes?
me: Yay! Does it look better?
Albert: NO. ~runs away laughing like an eflish imp

/Sigh. I'm sticking with not trying. x]

Interesting Post by Alex Beadon

"I'm not defined by photography. I'm defined by passion."

Read the rest here.

That onslaught of emotions. I couldn't lie...

Debunking the myth of "math people"

Read here.

Favorite Season

It's coming! It's here! I hope it stays. (:

Les Miserables :') The singers may not be very strong musically, but they can sure as hell portray a story.

Wow, hell week was intense. Pt. 2 coming up.

How many Tylenols am I allowed to take before I schedule a dentist appointment? I crie erryday.

Programmer's Dilemma

Thomas: why are you up so late?
me: writing an app for a service club
Thomas: oh cool! ios?
me: I wish but...
Thomas: Oh, I get you. Not so cool.

Homecoming 2013

Totally didn't see this coming.
"Screw wishing on a star. You are the one. HC?"

Because I'm a bit too tired to go into all the details... I will say I simply had a great time. Thanks for everything, KP!

Epic HIMYM in the 2nd pic.

The Voyages of a Rally Antifan

Damn. Mr. P must hate us now.

First, Aster and I hid in the practice room with the lights turned off. Needless to say Mr. P caught us and we were shamefully escorted out.

Then, Jeffrey shadily motions to us from the low brass room (LOL). We awkwardly sneak in and hide out in Narnia. BUT we were careless and closed the low brass room door, which was propped open before. So Mr. P realized that someone was in there. We got caught... Escorted out... Walk of shame.

Sigh. It's so hard to find a room to stay in during rallies.

~Sitting Out in the Cold

One day in stats...

We play Yahtzee...

"Come on! There's a 1/(6*6*6), 1/(36*6) chance. Let's go. Let's go."
... Eric rolls a 1, 1, 1.

... Cue laughter.

Junior HC Day

I am so tired right now. I woke up at 6 and came back home at 8:30pm. Damn dude. I'm exhausted. (And not to mention the APLAC homework Seike suddenly decided to assign us.)

But yeah, it was really fun today! Gotta say I've had my share of formal wear. I am appeased for the rest of the semester. Done with heels and done with the pants suit. Wearing the suit all day makes wearing sweats all the more comfortable.

So, the skit? Eh, sure! It was acceptable. Dances and gauntlet? Amazing, so I've heard. I also have the "Over the Rainbow" harmony stuck in my head. Hehe, trumpet. <3

Overall, it was amazing though. I definitely need a recovery period after today (and this week). #leggoJuniOZ
Pictures to come!

Trumpet is hard af guys. Really hard.

I'm so rusty on math. Kill me.
I really really regret not doing more over the summer.

Skinny Love by Birdy

"And I told you to be patient
And I told you to be fine
And I told you to be balanced
And I told you to be kind

And now all your love is wasted
Then who the hell was I?
'Cause now I'm breaking at the bridges
And at the end of all your lines

Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind?"

Thanks to le Solimander for showing me this song.

Dat moment when you can gush about CS on a school night with a coo' kid. I think I actually discovered a calling or a passion at the very least. It triumphs almost every other emotion. I am gushing. <3

I am so high on caffeine right now. I think I just freaked out all my frans in physics. LOL

"He's soooooo Silicon Valley." Omg, and then add in my blue face paint for hc. I'm such a freak.

1. Super ironic now when I hear Bluebird by Christina Perri. I always thought it was about this guy choosing between two girls. (LOLs that irony.)
2. The iPhone is puny. My mom accidentally put my number on her new iPhone, so I'm going to use it until she has the time to go back to the AT&T store. But yeah, man. I freak out every time I try looking for my phone, because the iPhone is so light. I can't feel it in my pockets unlike my giant brick of an android.
3. My nightmare came true today. Luckily it wasn't a big one... But basically, I was driving on Prospect after school and then suddenly I felt this tickly thing on my knee. No big deal right? I tried shaking it off. And I still felt it. When it got too weird, I looked over at my knee and there was a green spider. Or it was a grasshopper. I can't be too sure, because I was trying hard not to freak out and crash. I hastily pulled over and screamed as I shook my leg out the door. ;_; The worst part was that I think I killed the spider by slapping it rather than shaking it off. Omg. It was so scary. I'm so glad it wasn't bigger and I'm eternally grateful that nobody got hurt.

Oh yes, and then I saw a spider web on my side mirror. Oh god. Last time I am ever parking on that street.

Only at Lynbrook can an AP teacher set aside a day for his life stories.
(Kinda looking forward to it though)

Peer Editing...

and I doze off...
I wake up to find that I unconsciously typed, "I believe it's a kind hearted gentleman but I don't trust Oliver."

1. Who's Oliver? Oliver Twist?
2. Who's this kind hearted gentleman?
3. Why did my typing suddenly turn proper when my peer edits were written in lower case letters?

I think I need more sleep.

Everyone! Go listen to Ingrid Michaelson!

Zomg, pit musical + summer of fun + awesome
Jk.
I probably would rather do it in senior year.
SANDEEP, LEGGO. It is now my goal to audition for a pit orchestra of some sort for senior year.

Life Advice en general

http://hannahbrencher.com/2013/04/04/25-things-every-woman-needs-to-know/

ELOHEL AT

1. chem lab
2. fail MLA in APLAC costing me way too many points (or will cost me)
3. unwritten emails
4. more unwritten emails
5. in class essays
6. life
7. oh, and the gov shutdown

Mix CD

I need to make a mixtape of my fave songs so I can drive around and not deal with bad music on the radio. :3 After the SAT, I shall.

First licensed lunch. Hehe.

Trying to document all of these firsts. xD Hopefully blogger isn't my new gmail status changer/facebook, because I don't want to clog up (uh... more interesting...?) other musing(s?).

SAT studying in 1st

Hehe. First time driving to physics (and on the freeway!). Hehe. Now I'm just eating lunch and shipping hw in the car xD

I dunno why I look orange. Haha oh well.

Zomg it's so hard to use iMovie and youtube. </3 And now it takes 62 minutes to upload a short 2-minute video. Pls. Pourquoi est-il tard?!

The Simpler Times

I'm feeling so nostalgic now. Let's analyze my roots instead of studying for the SAT! When I look back to freshmen year, I don't remember much about my relationships. Who could I count on? Of course, the people whom I talked to the most. Who did I like to talk to? The same people.

Barely talk to these guys anymore.
But when I do, I'm so nostalgic.

Okay you know what, I'm so done. Let's cut to the chase. Basically, friendships were simple and there were no insidious motives. I'm sick and tired of crap. Can there ever be a normal heart-to-heart conversation? I think I had one practically every night at COSMOS. Now that I'm back home I'm tired of the constant APLAC noise, competitive egos running all over the place, and the random sarcastic remarks.

Who are the people I can trust? I have no fucking idea. Not even my parents can qualify. Who is a normal human being? The closest Lynbrook person I can think of most definitely does not qualify as normal, but he is the most humane person I know as of right now. Well, as for my COSMOS friends, they're unfortunately not at Lynbrook.

Is there a single shred of honesty in the modern world? I sure as hell thought so in freshmen year. Little did I know that all my beliefs were about to be debunked...

Wau, 37 people all over the globe. Woah. <3

...Wait homecoming is in one week?!
so not ready for gauntlet

License and other fun stuff!

Lemme make this concise.

1. Licensed today<3 Drove to school and back. And then to mock trial and back. Hehe. I enjoy this. I don't have to wait for my parents and my grandpa doesn't have to drive me anymore.
2. Got a special email<3 ...with a deadline in October. (Oh dear)
3. Mock trial case is super duper cool. MB kids + Adderall overdose? Who would've thunk?
4. Elohel deadlines
5. Elohel more deadlines

ELOHEL WHY IS EVERYTHING IN OCTOBER.

I also just found out that the SAT is in one week. I weep.

Hm, I had a few thoughts... Your diction conveys so much. I'm just unsure.

Why is schoolloop always down?
Can we actually switch to a different provider?
It's literally allocating more money to the servers around us. Pls.
Pls. I bet our school district already pays a fortune to get their service, and it fails the students at least once per week.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I don't know why but my eyes are so extraordinarily dry. And I'm sniffly. The start of the symptoms point to an allergy but my lack of sleep points to a cold. Whyyyyyyyy.

Redemption

So I guess I didn't COMPLETELY botch last year. Actually.

Redemption time. I'm focused. No emotional stress (or minimal). I WILL prove it to them that I can excel. I can perform under pressure. I am confident, poised, and ready to go.

.75 thermos of tea
1 giant can of milk tea

I'm sleepy and it's only 10pm. I got home an hour ago.
Omg. Can I just get more sleep pls?

Biggest Heart Attack Evar

I thought I lost my Anthem book. Omg. Literally 75 pages of legit annotations gone down the drain.

But it's okay! It's actually in my grandparents' car trunk. Haha. In addition to phone/bag/oboe check, I guess I gotta add a check for APLAC books.

Best annotations ever.

Ambivalent About Band

Redemption time?
Or damnation?

"Happy birthday, Mom!"

"Get. Out."
giggle giggle giggle

Lol what did I even do this weekend.
I'm an idiot
why did i waste it
ffkfkfkfkfkfkffkfkfkfkfkfkfkfkfkfkffk.

I need to go to the library more.
fkfkfkfkfkfkffkfkfkfkffkfkfkfkfkfk.

Why can't I actually talk to these ppl at school so I won't feel the need to talk to them at home.
fkfkfkfkfkfkfkffkfkfkfkfk.

C'est la Vie avec Denise

 me:  dude we hid little vaches
everywhere in our ppt
 Kevin:  LOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
WTF
i think u mean
cows
 me:  LOLOLOL
NO LITTLE VACHES

"When I came to the US, I thought that I'd wear a suit and carry a briefcase to work."

"Dad, you're on the wrong side of the country."

You know your neighborhood is pretty cool when your next-door neighbors are blasting "Sing, sing sing" at their 6-year old's birthday party.

Can I be friends?

RIP SEPT. 20TH

I've gotten to that point where I don't know how to talk to college graduates.
Can I please not be socially awkward and learn?

Noah

I'm unsure about how to embed the video directly here.... anyways...

Please watch this!

Noah, a short film that debuted at the Toronto International FIlm Festival, illustrates the flitting attention span and lack of true connection in digital culture more clearly than anything else in recent memory. (Warning: NSFW)

I should be one of those leadership conference keynote speakers.
Man, it's kind of fun. LOL

Pssssssst, hidden hobbies lie everywhere.

Saratoga Library is beautiful.

Oboy, this is awkward.

Tu me manques! </3
Parlez-moi demain?

I crie every day.
History test on ch. 3-10
Who said USH wasn't hard?

Feeling Accomplished!

Until I remember the SAT. fk.

My arms are super sore.
Beaucoup d'advertisements! :) :) :) :)
Mid-Autumn festival <3

I'm so tired.
And I have USH 2nd period. Sigh, don't even have time to study for it in band.
Oh well, more time to annotate?

Little Fibs

Nerd Camp!

On SAT weekend
djkfldsfjkl;sfjdls;kfjdsalk
can I go?

depends on how depressed I am after the SAT ._.

Oh, Harsh Realities

Neha: oh well junior year
gotta suck it up and stick it out for 1 year
bc these are the easiest years of our lives
me: i know LOL
i keep telling myself that ^
yet i keep crying myself to sleep at night.

The Cab<3
great band.

Why, How, What?

An amazing TED talk.

"People don't buy what you do; they buy why you do it. What you do simply serves as the proof of what you belief."
"They took his cause and made it their own... How many people showed up for him? Zero. They showed up for themselves."
"There are leaders and there are those who lead."

Guys, pls. Can we not have a block of text and off-topic information and crazy images on our ppt? Damn, now I have to go back and fix everything.

Met up Weian for lunch today.
I'm going to miss her. :') Best of luck! Own it up at Uchic.

Today

Is the greatest day evar.
Hehehehehehehehehehe.

Ahhh!!!!

:') I don't even know what to say.
In the face of self-doubt, I scream with happiness and glee, jump up and down, twirl all around.

Define Loneliness

More on that coming up.
Interuhsting conversation...

"Can you just shut up about it already?"

No, not really. I don't think anybody really went through the same crap as I did. Well, of course with the exception of the other side of the conflict (kinda?). Ouch, I don't know. It's getting better other than the fact that there was no closure. It bothers me that the other side feels the need to sneak around campus. It really bothers me.

~Draw your weapon. Cowboy show off style

The first line! Omg that's where it came from. Rumor of War!

So Excited

My amazon order came today. RUMOR OF WAR<3

And my physics book came too <3 just in time for my test on Monday. Ahhahsjdpemfjaslmds. BOOKS!!!

That Time of the Year

It's that time of the year again!
The time when the leaves start falling and the wind starts blowing dust into your face. The leaves swirl around your feet as you tromp your way down to Howden. Cup of tea in one hand and binder in the other. Scarves! Warm peacoats! Boots!

Ah, it's almost winter. Then the clouds gather overhead, casting this beautiful silver shade over everything. You practically taste the "rain smell" (holla at Seike kids).

Yes, it's that time of the year. This fall/winter will be undeniably different. I think I'm going to end up huddling with Sanjna after mock trial practices (oh sigh) and spend more time staring outside my window. Ah! The weather is just so beautiful. It brings back certain memories, but I'd say I feel an overall positive nostalgic ambivalence.

Oh, life.

ELOHEL CHEM LAB ELOHEL SCALES TEST

ELOHEL
I CAN'T EVEN.

"I feel so bad for you. You tried so hard, but your results were just so off I couldn't give you full score." ~Doc Rock

omg.

SCALES TEST
FUCK ME.
LOL THAT'S ALL I HAVE TO SAY
"uh... what comes after A... OH YEAH D"

omfg.

Junior year has officially begun.

ELOHELELOHELELOHELELOHELELOHELELOHELELOHELELOHEL

1. Read your supplemental novel. Do not select the Great Gatsby. Novel need to be annotated as the summer readings. Exam is on 9/26. I will leave this week open for you to spend most of your time reading and annotating your novel.

ELOHEL PHYSICS.

09/11 Chapter 4
Lab 3: Projectile
Motion.
Test 1 (Ch 1-2)

HAHA.A
HAHAHA.
FDFJKLDSFSKL;FDSLKA;FSL;A
JDFSK;KDSJDFSAL
SDFJDFSALDFLJK
DSAJKL
.
.
.

I can't believe I missed the first lecture. Fk.

"Your Call" by Secondhand Serenade

Oshit

I think I found out why I value "external love" so highly.
I got it. CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT WOAHHH.
Okay sorry. lol
I'm not open enough to post why on this page.

I might be stressed, but I'm talking to coo' kids. They got my back. Thanks dipdip.

Bittersweet

I can't even remember how he used to say my name.

AIM

I get why people use AIM.
I want to be able to chat people without seeing my newsfeed or getting distracted by random emails.
Damn dude, unfortunately I don't know of any service that can integrate different chatting platforms...

...

;)

Resolutions and Goals to Combat ... Life

Okay, so I've realized that for the past few months, my whole entire world has been turned upside down by TV. Yes, TV. Those little shows that people watch? Bad. Very bad. It's addicting, and I am and probably could qualify as a TV addict. I don't mean that I think about my shows every second of the day, but I would take watching TV over homework before 8pm. That's pretty bad. For example, yesterday I got off at 12:30, came home at 1:00, fell asleep while reading AOI, watched some TV, ate some dinner while watching TV, did my stats lab, watched an episode...

You get the point. I could be sleeping before 1am! There's absolutely no reason for me to be like this. And now I just got the urge to watch another episode. Ugh. But it's Friday? Can that be my justification?

I blame it on Revenge. I didn't want to watch it and my mom literally sat me down and forced me to.
Ugh. My TV problem is definitely a slippery slope, considering that it also swallowed up a large part of my childhood and caused my eyes to be as bad as they are now.

Ouch.
Sorry, what was the point of this post again?

Oh yes, resolutions and goals to combat this issue (sleepiness, TV, time allocation all into one set!).

1. To get ready for homework, after school, I'll lie down and try to take a nap. If I fail to under 20 minutes, then I shall do some creative writing. Creative writing is good for the soul. I am absolutely convinced of that.

I remember when I was excited to write fiction for class. For Seike's Walam Olum, damn dude! I was super rusty. I must never let myself get that rusty.

Oh, and of course, creative writing overall can inspire wonderful ideas! It'll help my writing style. I'll develop my own voice. I don't know. All I know is that creative writing helped so much when I was little and now I'm gonna implement that method to up my lifestyle.

2. Sleep early on one of the weekend nights and then get up the next morning for a run. I gotta stay active. There's no PE to force me to run and exercise. With Blaschke not caring about tardiness as my 1st period, I have no reason to run in the mornings. I stress eat. I must not gain weight. Otherwise, I'll be very sad. I don't even want to wear these shorts anymore.

3. Cut down on tea consumption. I can't get hooked onto caffeine at such a young age. I just can't.

4. Memorize some vocab every day. Must practice those words!

5. Somehow create a goals/dream board. I gotta remind myself of my central values. Everyday, I'm digging up little pieces of what I used to be. I must say... I kind of like that girl a little better. She dreamt a little bit more. She was more confident. She wasn't overly giggly nor did she talk at super fast speeds in uncomfortable situations. Oh yeah, and she approached life with a positive attitude!

6. Have a positive attitude!

Yay.
Let's see if I can actually keep this list. Can I start tomorrow? Pls. Pls. Pls. Pls.
Ugh. I don't know. Maybe one episode. Yes, only one. :)
No.
Yes.
No.
Ugh, but it's a Friday!

At times like these I really want to sleep, get my energy up, and then start working. But no. My sleep cycle is so messed up I can't sleep yet. Ugh.

On the flip side, spent the afternoon with BChan. Holla at my homeqrl! Haha, no it was great to just chill with her. We ate in-n-out together!

Am I Normal?

Subject of today's stat's lesson!
But also...
Rachel (senior) apparently slept at 2 every day in her junior year.
Am I normal yet?!

Go Back to the Time When...

• I was productive.
• I had a goal and I was motivated to achieve it.
• I had hopes and dreams and the belief that I can do this!
• I didn't have to censor my words.
• I knew who my friends were.
• I believed in the good of people.
• I thought that we were all happy and could be forever.

I want to go back to the time when I believed in myself.

LAWLS LAWLS

55 PAGES OF NOTES FOR REGULAR USH
WHWHAHHFDSKLFSAFJDSFS;A
HAHAHAHAHAH.A
OMGGGG
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

<3 YOU HOWDEN TOO.
SPREAD THE LOVE
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

KP:eunoh complained to me today about howden and he was like u guys are like doing exactly the same stuff as us GG

AOI

"It did not hurt him half as much to tell May an untruth as to see her trying to pretend that she had not detected him." (Wharton)

zomg zomg zomg zomg. and then Newland dreams about having May "die early" so last he ccould be free! omg. I can't even.

This is such a sad book. I crie so hard. It's all about infidelity, so every word is like a dagger. It's just so tragic. I skimmed it the first time, but now reading sparksnotes (hehe) I SEE SO MUCH MORE. Can I just reread everything now?

From SparksNotes:
Archer's son asks him if it was true that he had once been in love with the Countess. The son continues by remarking that May had told him the day before she died that Archer had "given up the thing he most wanted" when she had asked him to. Emotionally, Archer responds that she had never asked him.

She never had to ask him! Jk, twas implied by Society. Or perhaps, Archer is just too fearful to pursue the affair. (Arghrhkglfadk;lf;)

It's so sad. So tragic. The same motifs repeat throughout society today. Argh.

Les Misérables

Je viens de finir "Les Misérables". C'est un extraordinaire film. Je pleure beaucoup. J'espère que vous savez pourquoi.

Jk

Not doing better? I'm glad I woke up before it got worse.

Doing better

Seeing your arms around another girl's?
Nbd as I thought it would be. I only got like a little shiver.
And like I can only not feel my legs. That's good
LOL.

No seriously though. It's getting better. I mean... what else did I expect?
Oh, that last thought made me feel a lot better. x]

Awesome Covers

My friend did an amazing cover of "Oh, Fionna" (originally sang by NPH). Uh-mazing. Check him out. Respect++


Also, Jeni Suk did a great cover of "Wildfire" by SBTRKT. It's so gr9 I think it's even better than the original.

Yep, yep. Listen!

Reactions to Obama's Proposal of War

Kind of censored names?

Cwg:  the us
 Sent at 12:03 AM on Sunday
  CWg:  to act
or not to act
ethically morally
 me:  what do yo uthink?
 CWg:  strategicaly
i honestly think the world community won't act
... somehow the convo goes to debate

and then SwgClutcher went off about WWIII

 Zhy:  do you mean syria?
 Sent at 12:07 AM on Sunday
 me:  indeed.
do you think we should invade
 Zhy:  well i don't really like war

peace? hm, i only wish ^

I personally would like to avoid war. If there's any any other approach we can try, we should take it. Honestly, I'm not sure what we'd show by bombing an already war-ravaged country. I question the effectiveness of it. If we're going to start another war just to save face in the global community, please, let's rethink this.

I'm not even sure how much evidence we have of this alleged chemical attack. I just hope Congress has enough rationale to do the right thing with whatever (or lack of) evidence we have. Please, just make the right choice.

Herp Merp

I'm such a girl now. /sigh

Waverly can't go and now my plans with all them coo' kids (including Hyelynn) fell through. :(
Gives me more time to study for duh SAT! Haha, no seriously though.
alright. Let's go.

?!

(Paraphrased for brevity)

me: probably gonna study for French tomorrow during the rally. you going?
KP: oh i can sleep while you study. where are you going to be?
me: not sure but i can call you!
KP: I don't have a phone.

I don't have a phone.
He's actually the first person in a LONG time that I've heard doesn't have a phone (other than Aster). (But then again, Aster's personality fits with the fact that she doesn't have a phone.) But what?!

Woahhhhhhh. Sorry, I might sound shallow and naive... In my defense, it's silicon valley and it's Lynbrook. The majority of students here, I would say, have a phone. I would think KP would have one too, especially given his sociable personality!

hackneyed (adj.):

(of a phrase or an idea) lacking significance through having been overused; unoriginal

pretty common SAT word ^

Wau pt.2

Teared up at Jean's farewell status and I'm 2-6 years away from that.
Omg, why am I so emotional right now?

Do you know how much I love Schang?

She got her TA and daughter to create a French SAT flashcard set for us.
http://quizlet.com/25189028/french-sat-words-flash-cards/

It's full of cognates from the SAT vocab list (Kaplan, to be exact). I love Mme Schang.

Nostalgic

I just filled out the COSMOS post-evaluation survey.
Damn, it brought back so many memories. </3 It wasn't as intense as I would've liked, but in retrospect the experience on a whole was amazing. It helped heal me quite a bit. So I am definitely looking forward for the reunion(s) this weekend. See you guys. :)

#breakingbarriers

Merp merp

An interesting story later about close calls.

Phys-4a, baby

Today, I just signed up for my first college course.
And went to my first college course albeit an hour late...

Man, I went to the wrong campus at first. /sad
LOL. Oh well. What matters is that I got there in time to register.

But yes, it's physics 4a at Mission College. I'm very excited. Gotta get that calculus brain functioning again. (I think I remember everything!) It's pretty good so far. The professor has a Russian accent and kind of explains things more complicatedly than she needs to, but it's alright. I understand her. I get what she's trying to say. The lab was a bit too long for my taste, but my results were accurate. So yay! I kind of made friends... kind of. I've yet to seriously chill with these people and learn about them. They're funny though.

Good luck to all my homies (Ramya, Hyelynn) who start class tomorrow(:
Oh yeah, and #twinning with Zheemy. Haha! He's taking phys-4c at Mission's sister college, West Valley at the (almost exact) same time as me.

Good Hour Wasted

Omg. System admin is hard.

Decisions... Decisions...

With the SAT coming up in what? 6 weeks?
Damn, I'm scared.
AMC in not even 6 months?
Damn, I'm hella scared.

I'm very very scared.
I gotta get my shit together. No more procrastination.
I just wish I were around positive people all the time. I'm just so... I don't know.

Sigh.
Okay, Saturday, I have the opportunity to go up to Berkeley/SF with my cosmos buds and meet up with Hyelynn (and maybe Ramya). Should I go?! Or should I stay home studying.

Oh yeah, and the internship. Should I?

Should I switch up my schedule?

Go for multivar or phys-002a?

fjkdsdfjksdfsakl;dfs;dfsfkl;s

I see everyone going off to college and having a great time. I just.
I need to get into a good school... not only for the prestige but for the people.
The amazing people I'll meet! The interesting stories and dreams! Making history and beautiful projects with the coolest kids ever! Taking the most mindblowing classes ever!

Sigh. I just hope I can get an amazing experience out of college. I really would love to go to a good school. I don't even know which one is my dream school yet. It's just that I know I want to be somewhere amazing that can provide me with opportunities and a nice balance.

Breakfast Club

Don't you
Forget about me
...
When I walk on by
Will you call my name?

Damn, should've watched Breakfast Club with Waverly.

Turning Over a New Leaf

I hate what I've become. Just another typical Lynbrook student.
What do I have to look forward to?

A constantly warring family?
"Friends" who treat you like competition?
Piles of homework?
Classes that only questionably help?

The only thing I probably look forward to is dev. And when do I get time to do that? Someone once told me to do the things I love and that I shouldn't worry about the others. I should stop stressing about everything and pay attention to what I do have.

What do I have? I don't know. I just don't know. I mean in junior year I feel so alone. Compared to my recent years, I've looked back. I've seen how I've changed and how I've affected others. All I want to do is go back to them and apologize over and over. Then I want to apologize to myself for falling into the Lynbrook mindset. I also don't want to give myself absolution. I don't deserve it.

But I have to keep moving forward. I don't know what is my next step. I just feel awfully suspended. I still have time to change the logistics of my schedule. Jk, I only have the next 24 hours to do that. My social life... well I think I said I wasn't going to have any.

I don't know what will happen in the future. I think I should just stop and breathe. I have no comfort this time but I have to keep going. It's junior year. Just two more years left. I'm scared. Can we do this?

Regina v. Harry Potter

Best trial case ever.

Zomg

Aight, 200 pages. Leggo.
Not really liking how little sleep I'm going to get tonight, but challenge accepted.
I take responsibility for my stupid decisions earlier this week.

Sigh.
On the other hand, I find it amusing how everyone is online... even the studious ones like Zheemy.
Aight. See you in the morn.

Two more years...

Why did my parents marry at all?
Why couldn't they freaking fix things before they decided to start a family?

As far as I can tell, all this crap started around the time I was born. Why couldn't they fix things when they saw their fights were affecting me?

Because of my upbringing, I'm an angry, rash person. I don't remember telling my parents I loved them, and that's an okay thing in our house. I had an inside joke with my mom where I'd shout at her that I hated her. I mean... isn't that a bit messed up?

I'm bawling. Once I get my license I'm moving back to my grandma's apartment. I'd rather live alone and faraway from school than hear this fighting all the time.

Zomg

My sleep schedule is so screwed over. This summer I stayed up until 6am two days: yesterday and Ishani's sleepover. Ouch. I mean I didn't crash yet. Yay?

Oh yeah, then I stayed up until 5am purely just for fun... And I've slept past 2am more times than I'd like to admit.

Hehe.
I'm going to regret this later on, aren't I?

My conclusion...

after the two reunions I attended is
"Crap. I'm a junior now."

Two more years...

Ohgod

Sleep is for the weak.
Finished pt. 1/3 of my AP hw.
200 more pages for AOI...
All the independence documents to go.

Sigh.
Challenge accepted.
And of course... there's internship stuff to be finished and apps (maybe?) to be submitted.

Oh and a room to be cleaned up. Here's to moving in! Cheers.

AP Homework

~40 more pages to go before finishing part 1/3 >.>

Leggo.

Anglicity

I think the concept of anglicity is beautiful.

But in order to understand it... read it in context on the left.

Lynch.respect++;

"The [English] language is, by its very nature, a work in progress; the only way a dictionary can hope to do it justice is to be a work in progress too."

Why is this guy's rhetoric so beautiful?
Why can't I write like him?!

I'd probably write with a lot less authority in my tone. "The language is forevermore changing. It's driven by a force unable to be tamed by any lexicographer or academy, and so our linguistic authorities must choose to honor this truth. The success of any dictionary lies in this truth; it must always be constantly changed and updated." (Wow, just don't judge please. Just don't even.)

Anyways... yes, he does drag on in his book, The Lexicographer's Dilemma. But his writing style is most admirable. I find it a bit hard to follow his points sometimes, since he goes off at the weirdest times and says the most irrelevant information. It's okay though. It's okay. I accept his digressions, because the way he digresses is beautiful.

My god, can I please write like him? His transitions are great. He comes off as a bit arrogant, especially when he includes humorous commentary. It's okay though. It's okay, because he's a wonderful writer.

I could spend all day analyzing how he writes. I have no idea how he does it, but that's my basic repetitive gist on him above. ^

Hella respect for James Lynch.


Ps. I can't imagine the amount of research that went into this book. He's obviously a professional lexicographer and not one of those mavens he mentioned! I question some of his contradictory thoughts... but it's okay! He's excused in my mind. Haha.

I guess there's just a few more things I wish he could've addressed. Like what gives Murray's dictionary the authority it received? Why did people pick Webster's over Johnson's? And Murray's over the both of them? I can only assume a bit from the information he gave us about the culture of the time. I just wish he'd explicitly state it though. Perhaps he'll address it in the conclusion. I have ~120 pages left!

6 more days...

before school starts.

I'm half-crying, half-hysterical right now. Sort of in that "whaaat" state where I can't think of anything but just feeling everything. Junior year is going to be hard.

I guess I gotta start now.

Impressions May Lie...

No, I'm not completely done with this. I'm not sure what'll happen next week, but I'm not sure if I want to trust certain people with how I'll be!

Post-COSMOS Depression

I don't think it's hit fully. It'll probably get super terrible in a week when school starts up again. Hello, expectations and stress!

Anyways, I suppose it is good to be home. I'm laying in my bed right now, and I very much appreciate the fact that I won't risk falling off it in my drunken morning attempts to snooze the alarm. I almost love it's quiet here, and I get a peace of mind. If I want to call someone or chat someone up, no one will be listening (except gotta watch the parents of course).

What I will miss...? I'll miss the constant companionship of my friends. I'll miss karaoking at 1am with my roomie and my crazy spazzy "QUUURLLL" talks with everyone, especially the guys. I'll miss the swag song and the unique cluster vernacular. ("Get at dat.") Coding all night... chilling with everyone in the study lounge at 9pm. Running up the side-stairs at 10:01, sticking my head out of the door at 2am... seeing my RA's chilling in the lounge then giggling the hell out of the situation. (Brenda and I got plenty of weird looks for that one.)

Oh yes, I loved thumping around and waking Waverly in the room under me. She actually loved it too. Hehe. Cooking cup noodles at 1:30am with shower water and brushing our teeth in the middle of the night. Giggling & spazzing with everyone after hours.

Those were the nights I lived! Jk, I could've lived more, but hey. It was nice while I had it. I'm sure going to miss COSMOS. Love you guys(:

Best Wakeup Medicine

Go find a funny conversation.
Laugh very hard.
Have a positive interaction with another human.

Karaoke to Disney. Dance your heart out.
All I know is that after I woke up I was more productive in 40 minutes than I was the whole night.

:) The ai looks pretty awkward, but it's so much better than before.
Making good progress!

For those who are COSMOS frans, this is what woke me up!

Oh, Michelle

"what is sleep all i know is unity"
lol. dude. lol.

Love?

Late night coding sessions with buds. <3
Kind of. Until I actually want to sleep or until I fall asleep in class... then it's just annoying.

Doubting the Usefulness of COSMOS

LOL. LOL. LOL. LOL.

I don't know. I just find it super funny.
We're doing the A* pathfinding algorithm, but I've spent so much time with Bellman-Ford and Dijkstra's. I kind of feel like running out of the room.

No, I suppose it's just super funny following his lecture (half-following?). The professor has a slightly confusing explanation. I think he's speeding through this far too quickly. Some people have just started programming. Lol. I find it funny how the intensity level just exploded exponentially at camp. It took me at least 30 minutes to an hour to even begin to comprehend each path-finding algorithm and far too long for me to actually get it in my head.

Far. Too. Long.
Man, studying for that final was so cray.

So worth it though.

Calm down

I just figured out how to setup my website yesterday.
I freaked out.
I was happy and high off so many different things.

Phone dropped.
Lanyard lost.
Illusion(?) shattered!

Sigh. Just sigh.

Fangirling

Can I just say how beautiful this debate is?
Can I just forever fangirl about AI?

Gamma, stop judging me. It's the first time I'm actually learning at COSMOS. x]

Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk

... Boardwalk!

I tried potato-on-a-stick... very deliciouso.

Big Dipper? Twas gr9. Sitting with Alex, the tallest kid evar, was absolutely freaky. The bar didn't even go near my lap; I think it was probably 1.5 ft above. Anyways, I got some serious air on the drops, which was practically every 10 seconds. Super fun!

Underground spin wheelie? Great dance move lessons. Get nearer... then knee right to the stomach. Go in for the kiss... then head slam. Hand shake. "Thank you very much for the dance." Oh yes, and of course, the ride was awesome. There was some serious inertia on the turns.

Scary house ride? My gosh, it wasn't even supposed to be that bad. Thanks seat partner for making it scary as possible. LOL. "We are tigers-- mighty, mighty tigers!"

Pretty fun(:

Karaoking

That was totally wonderful. Bonding with my floor ^.^

uh.. not to mention losing some part of my innocence at dinner.
Well, today was pretty wonderful.
God. Note to self: keep phone in backpack at all times!

Sigh.
Gonna rock karaoke night tomorrow? Leggo.

Forgotten Syntax

I've been using python so much recently. I completely forgot the syntax for java!
My gosh. I'm not sure how to proceed from here.

Sunday!

Today, I leave for COSMOS. Packed super late as usual. (In fact, still packing now...)

Yay! I'm pretty excited, but my ecstatic feelings have been dampened by nostalgia. Certain things can't help but to be remembered... I (we?) had a routine with packing, saying farewell, that sorts of things.

I can't be more than grateful to my frans who helped me last night. They definitely dealt with my periodic super giggly hyperactive mood (lol dat pun).

The Evening Promenade

So, I recently moved back to my old house after a year's long of remodeling. Because of my hectic schedule and other reasons, I've began taking nightly walks.

Taken with the HTC One (supposedly has a great camera)

Let's just say that I really miss my childhood town. Every corner and every bush I pass by contains a small memory of the fondest times.

I remember walking home with Emma in the 5th grade. We'd pretend to be the Winx and just dance along the sidewalk. We'd spend forever watching the monarch butterflies dance off the flowers. Every now and then, we'd  dab their wings. You know, it's said that the golden dust on their wings brings good luck.

Are these pictures high-quality?

I also remember biking up and down the streets with Michelle, Emily, Miranda or Avani. As for my latest expedition, Avani and I would ride with our phones blasting from our pockets, singing "Bohemian Rhapsody", Michael Jackson, Hairspray. I remember like it was just yesterday, but guess what? That was more than a year ago!

I'm feeling pretty tired now. Nostalgic, perhaps? Sad, when I look back at all these happy memories and realize it was years ago. It's wonderful though-- that I can still walk around and remember how it was.

There's also a certain type of aura to this town. Maybe my bias is just getting towards me, but as soon as I stepped out of the house, I felt at peace. Especially around 7:30, the sun casts this wonderful glow that makes everything look brighter and sharper. (That may also explain why the pictures are so bright.) Then, when I'm walking home at 8:30, I see night slowly consuming everything. The colors blend everywhere, and it absolutely just takes my breath away.

Now, I may sound totally lame (and I probably do), but I'm tired so spare me the hate. What I love most about this town is the life. It's the tiniest city in the area. It borders 3 larger ones and you can easily bike from one end to another (North-South borders) within 30 minutes. But to me, it's also the liveliest town. Maybe this might change when the school year swings around, but around 7:30 everyone is around! I see friends from elementary school. I see college kids kicking around a soccer ball. I see toddlers, dogs, old grandparents, and working adults. I see runners, athletes, and every sort of healthy, happy person around. Granted, it's not perfect. (I saw a giant feud break out in the middle of a park last night.) I think our town is pretty great though. I went out for plenty of walks in the complex I was living in for the past year. The only people I saw were tired people straggling home or hyperactive 8 year-olds shooting nerfs at each other.

It's a different community here. These past couple days, I've been walking, and I feel great whenever I'm out. I've been hanging out with Ishani and Avani; they're incredibly uplifting. I tried playing soccer with the college kids, and that wasn't the most ego-boosting activity... but it was super fun!

Anyways, what I guess I wanted to say is that I'm glad I'm home. <3

Oh btw,

I slept at 5am yesterday night.
LOL So much for never doing it again.

Mémoire 7: 2nd Assignment

1st assignment down by day 8
2nd assignment down by day 9
<3

and my work will be immortalized. LOL
I can't even say how excited I am right now.
These accomplishments are so minor; I doubt I'll remember them in a few years.
I'm very excited though.

Never Again...

... am I sleeping at 5am.
I made that mistake for the FIRST TIME last night.
Never, never, never.
Gotta employ that "kbye" method and actually follow through.
LOL. Otherwise, I'm just giggling left and right.
Freaking out gamma and shit.

"Developer beware."

LOL. I feel like this needs to be on a doggy hazard sign.

Sound of Music

Rockin' out hard. HARD.

Anyways, just for being super cool...
Shout out to Weiiiiiiiiiannnn <3 if you see this (probably if you keep refreshing Chrome).
(I guess you have the right to be creeped out. ~crie)

Awaiting response...

for 1st assignment completed?

Excited. I was giggly and jumping up and down...
until Gamma started being a jerk. THANKS MAN.

jk. He can't ruin my giggliness.
But it's like 1:21am. I think my giggliness only lasted like 10 minutes. Nbd. LOL.
Bc then, I started thinking about the alternative... what if my code should've created an inner table?
Oh no, the work I'd have to put in to correct that... :( Oh, man.

One More Week!

Until COSMOS! :D
Do I even have enough clothes to pack?
Do I even have a suitcase? LOL

Hm, I still have to write a post on Europe. I will and I shall. Note to self! Do it.


But will I be excited for a month away from parents?
A month of adventurous learning and people?
Wau, I'm hoping it'll be as amazing as everyone says it is.

Evolution of Daft Punk's "Get Lucky"

Creds to the Weinstah. Loved the 1930's, 1940's.
Ey, ciao!

Another First

Ahhahahahahfdkfjeliajlskdjs.
First assignment
fjdsaklfdslkfdeifjakls;
!1jklfjdls;fjsadlfdsfi;lewjalfk;


That is all. x]

Mémoire 6: First Day Jokes

"I don't know if you have friends but..."
"Is this an engineering thing? You ask from one engineer to another if you have friends?"
"Yes, most definitely. Of course!"

There's no place like 170.0.0.01!

Just wanted to record this. My first day was pretty amazing. Hey, it was embarrassing at times. It was a bit awkward, but overall, it was absolutely wonderful. Loved the office, loved the team. Loved everything! Hopefully, I won't be as awkward or feel out-of-place the next time I come in. It takes some getting used to, I suppose. Again, looking forward to the next few weeks. It'll definitely be a great challenge and a wonderful learning experience. Hope time moves slowly from here on out. :)

Here's to a great summer!

Looking Forward

Today was pretty damn overwhelming. Sitting there... I was pretty much speechless. I'm super excited for what's in store! Leggo.

July 1st

I'm looking forward to tomorrow! Super excited, super nervous. I don't feel that confident, to be honest. BUT HEY, I shall be awesome. I shall be confident.

I will go to bed very soon, because before my super cool afternoon I have a practice SAT (bundles of joy). I'm looking forward to tomorrow. Putting it behind me now.

Whoosh. I'm focused. I'm going to kick butt. I'm in it to win it.

Game on. Hope it all goes well. :)

"In the Middle"

Weian totally showed me my long lost song at the right moment. Rocked out to it hard.

Strangers, Again

This pretty much fits the bill.

The Last

Hey guys. I've been absent from this blog for the past few months, and it's been complicated. Between AP testing, finals, rehearsals, and, of course, social shocks(?), I've had little to no time for sleep and blogging. To be honest, I didn't even want to record my final months of sophomore year.

But I will. I need a reminder to keep me strong. So here goes nothing: my final post on you-know-who.

These past two years have been a wild journey. It's been a constant war between who gives in and who does what. I've over-simplified, but it comes down to this. The timeline is meant for me, so ignore this.

1. Fall 2011: Courtship throughout marching band
2. New Years of 2012: Manipulated me into trying out this relationship
3. Up until Junior Prom: I stuck around for him and resisted his attempts to move faster
4. April 2012: "Honeymoon" period where we were equally happy with each other
5. Spring Break 2012: Decided I could not date him; tried breaking up; didn't work
6. Up until August 2012: I sacrificed what I wanted so I could help him move on after the break-up.
7. Up until December 2012: Made it absolutely clear that I could not sustain a relationship and tried verbally reasoning with him; still stuck around but inadvertently ignored him; he was hurt
8. Up until February 2013: Intentionally mean to him so he would get the point; he was hurt
9. Up until last week of March 2013: I was personally going through a tough time but sacrificed my personal well-being to try to make up for the Dec-Feb time frame; was ignored; he was hurt
10. Last week of March: He deliberately fell in love with a person who violated his every moral and dated her while ignoring my pleas for help
11. Up until AP testing: He lied to me about the relationship while I tried making it up to him
12. Up until now: Back and forth fighting about his other relationship

So what happened? Here's my self-reminder. Future self, take heed to what past self says.

Do not talk to him. Do not hope to get some sort of proof from him. Expect nothing and you won't be disappointed. Do not hope to be wrong. You are probably correct.

If he truly loved you, would he refuse to tell her the truth? You asked him to tell her that he's finished and that he did not read her letter. He ripped it up. He doesn't want to hear from her. Finito. He agreed to tell her this through Emily! He also said that he would tell you once he did.

No, instead, he took the cowardly route. He sent her an "anonymous email" without telling me. I asked for its contents. He didn't tell me. What can I even say to this? He refused to tell his sister. He refused to tell anybody what really happened, even me. He looked down on me when I tried finding solace by telling people I trusted. He looked down on me because he thought I liked to gossip. We're beyond gossip. We're talking about how I feel now. We're talking about what you did was wrong and how you failed to make up for it. 

Instead, you say you don't want to tell her that message. You don't want to tell her that you ripped up her letter or that you don't care for her anymore. Why? You did not give a legitimate reason... nothing about her mental tendencies or how she could try to avenge me. You told me that you didn't want to hurt her. You hurt me on purpose. I sacrificed the most for you.

-- Back to an objective stance... sorry, future self. I get riled up sometimes.

He didn't want to hurt her. Now, remember that. He didn't want to hurt her, because (the obvious reason is) he still had feelings for her. Whatever one week he spent with her and maybe even more... he still protected her feelings right before the France tour... he developed this love for her. He loved her. He still loves her.

Think about it. He still loves her. The only reason why he's not talking to her is because he knows that dating her was the wrong thing to do. He knows that dating her was a violation of every value he held. He's a selfish bastard. The only reason why he thinks he still loves me is because he knows that it's how it should be. It's because he feels guilty. He wants to right his wrong, but the poor fool can't see it himself. He's simply guilty and is fooled into thinking he loves me.

There are visible signs that this is true. He's unwilling to tell her for me. He's unwilling to show me that he doesn't have feelings for her. He values her feelings over my own, which is why he's willig to hurt me but not her. He doesn't remember how haunting it is to be around me. He doesn't remember what it's like to love me. He doesn't remember what it's like to be distracted by me.

While I was in Europe, I rarely had any wifi. He spent the time I was online practicing tuba, when he could've easily pushed it back 30 minutes or so. He didn't care if we talked. After my emotionally disturbing experience in Europe, he did nothing to comfort me. When I told him he drove me to near hysterics, he shouted at me some more... told me he was justified. He didn't care about my feelings.

~~~

So future self,

My final conclusion is that he just doesn't care about you enough to tell her off for you. Why? He's still in love with her. Somehow, along the way, he stopped caring about you. Now everything is out of formalities extended from his guilty conscious. 

Allison, you're finished with him. Even if he tells her now, it means nothing. He lost his window to prove it to you. He lost his chance. You had to go dig for proof. You gave him the benefit of the doubt. This led to nothing-- no proof whatsoever. Now, he needs to prove himself beyond what I suggest. He needs to show negation of what he felt/feels for her as well as affirmation of what he feels/felt for you.

I'm absolutely sure he won't try. I'm absolutely sure he won't dispute this either. Now, it'll only show how much he cares. It's an affirmation to your conclusion, Allison. 

The hard truth is that he simply no longer cares about you in a way that's worth your time. Don't say goodbye. You've said it enough times. Now, it's time to just leave and never look back.

Yay, here goes nothing!

Because you're still acting like responding is an obligation.
And then you stopped altogether.
So yes, I was tired of expecting a response.

Solutions:
1. Confront the problem through reason and words. tried and failed
2. Ignore the problem by working. tried and failed
3. Listen to Taytay and sit the sadness out through tears. in progress

Literally. Feel. Like. Shit.

Waiting for time to heal the wounds...
Or maybe just waiting for my excess of hormones to pass...
because these past few days have been utter hell.

Shit. Just shit.

Not a Best Friend

Let me say that I was angry for the wrong reasons tonight.  After your explanation, I get your side. Here is my side. Here are the valid reasons for my behavior-- the reason for why I reacted so strongly to you stealing my happiness.

Whatever happened last Thursday over break... it broke our relationship. It broke however you thought of me. But it didn't break what I thought of you.

I thought you'd be my best friend still. I thought we could at the very least be friends. What has happened this past week shows me no friendship. I was depressed. I was shattered because our science fair project failed. You saw that happening. You knew that I was going insane over it. If not, well then, you're not even reading my chats, much less caring about what I have to say.

"Get over it," you told me. It's not something I can just get over. You knew that. I continued to be self-torturing after your terrible advice. This project has been something I devoted so many hours to. You knew that. You knew that I was depressed over this project. You knew that I didn't need advice but I needed someone to just stay and comfort me.

Yet, as a friend, you did nothing. You stood by and watched me slowly deteriorate. Or perhaps, you didn't even stand by to watch me collapse into a pile of self-pity. You just stopped caring. That's not what a best friend does. That's not even what a friend does.

Did you even care? Did you even care for the slightest bit after January? Did you care for me in a platonic way at all? Call me unreasonable. You don't care at this point, so I'm writing this to just voice my thoughts. Because at this point? I don't expect you to act.

You are not my friend. You are an acquaintance who sees me hurting from afar but doesn't do anything to help it. You are the person I talk to out of formality in 6th period. You resort to shallow small talk. Then, you try to give me news every other day. "Oh, I got wait listed to Caltech!" And when I tried to be happy for you but couldn't celebrate because I was so ruined, you didn't even take note. You suddenly waltzed away to your own life when the going got tough. I'm not saying that you're not busy. I'm saying that you can't care enough to ask me how it's going anymore.

Oliver was fun. Oliver was a break in my life that allowed me to be happy for that sweet 10 minutes post-show. I will never forget the pure bliss of those 10 minutes. Ten minutes of just thinking how amazing the musical was and how amazing my life was going to be okay. Ten minutes of thinking that I'm going to be okay. That's why I joined the music program-- for that 10 minutes of happiness that has been so rare in my life as of late. It's why I joined mock trial-- for the 30 minutes before a trial where everybody's a team. It's why I have friends, so that even when I don't ask for it, they make me smile.

And today, you failed me. I hate that you did, because you have rarely failed me before. You've always been there. If it was only out of obligation as a boyfriend, do tell me. That'd be a sad, sad reason to stick with me. As for tonight, I get that it's a misunderstanding, but I don't fully believe your story overall. To clarify, I don't believe that you still view me as a friend... much less a best friend, as you put it today.

If you still cared for me, you would've talked to me this past week about how terrible I was feeling. You would've taken two minutes away from intermission and entertaining the drama kids to just talk to me for once. You haven't tried to talk to me  this whole week, except for after rehearsal. And a dull "do you want a ride" is not an invitation for conversation. Why can't you talk to me when I'm awkwardly standing on the fringes of the group? Why couldn't you talk to me in the middle of rehearsal? Why did I have to be the afterthought reserved for after rehearsal? Why do you have to wait until this moment where I blow up you from pent up emotion?

I tried to put this science fair thing behind me. I tried so hard to be happy. You should have seen me struggling. If you actually looked and listened, you would have saw me struggling.


For the future, I can still talk to you. I can still have a laugh every once in a while. But what I can't do is be your friend. I don't see you as a friend I can depend on anymore. I sure as hell want to, but that'd just be fooling myself. So you're right for once. Nice job adapting to my words. Now, let me follow my own advice and stop this crazy dependence on you. It's been a nice run.

Lord of the Flies Analysis- Ch 9

Think about it: severed pig head on the stick, dead parachutist, Simon. All are a manifestation of the beastie, AKA this fear of innate savagery. All are sacrificed in order to "secure" society from the beastie. All are undignified in some sort of way by society. All are naturally good.

Each one covers a different level of victimization! The pig represents the natural world. Simon represents the group of boys on the island. The dead parachutist represents the adult world.

That, my friend, will be my essay.

Must exercise. Must do sit-ups.

Wait, I was never aware of this one week thing. To me, it sounded like you threw everything down the drain, and I mean everything.

Bonjour

Because French makes everything sound fancier.

Finally started driver's ed. Finally.

Took the SAT Math today. I woke up at 6:30 after about 6.5 hours of sleep. Now it's 4am. I'm restless. It has almost been 24 hours.
I'm so restless.

HAPPY LATE NEW YEARS.