Banged my keyboard out of rage and now my page down button works. Yay.

Black Friday 2012

I just got back from Black Friday shopping, and the sales this year are pretty amazing. Perhaps it was because I went with my mom this year. Maybe it was because I went to a different shop at a slightly secluded area. All I know is that shopping was a great experience this year.

I went to Macy's at Valco avec ma mere. It was pretty fun. I ran around looking for my winter wear, which was the focus of tonight's mission!

I found two lovely scarves, one cashmere (insert Seinfeld reference) and one acrylic. Both are very pretty and very soft. I will undoubtedly have fun with them. The only problem is that they're a bit short, so it'll be hard to tie them nicely. But, c'mon, they're scarves. I love scarves. I am a scarf person, so I think... enough said.

I also went to the juniors section to find an overcoat. I ended up trying on a ton of pea coats-- none of which I liked. Seeing how I have more than a few black jackets, I decided to go all out and get a bright, flashy color. ...And we all know that's red. So, I ended up getting this very, very warm red overcoat. It has this odd collar that makes me look like Godfather (which can be good and bad). It also falls right above my knee, making me look unproportionally short. However, when I wear boots with it, I don't look as short. The major upside, apart from its practicality, is how skinny it makes me look! Wonderful cutting. I love how warm it is and (for the most part) how it makes me look.

During my search for an overcoat, I stumbled upon a pair of boots that looked fabulous. They go up to my knee in this crinkly fashion. They're not skin tight and their soles are terribly flat (and pretty thin). They looked amazing though.

Each of these four items was a great deal. Actually, they were all 50% off from the regular price. That is amazing. Behold, the magic of Black Friday. Perhaps, the only thing that wasn't worth it was the boots, but I don't really have any other pairs. I will definitely be warm this winter and, may I add, dressing pretty fashionably (what a first!). Anyways, it's getting really late. I must away. I bid you good night.

Timeline:

Don't dispute it. If you don't understand, don't try.

Nov: Started falling; said no, no, no.
Dec: Started falling more; said maybe but hell no overall
Jan: Cue tumult (because said yes); cue 7th grade tone
Mar: Cue tumult, then happy-happy
May-Present Day: Cue resistance

Overall, the same problems persisted. I was just too blind to see them in the beginning.

Ohemgeez, get off my blog, Sidney!
Sorry, the OMG reminded me of lit. Hehe.

I'm updating for Gamma and my own personal wishes.

I am sick and tired of band. It's where people get pitted against each other in the fight for survival. I'd compare it to 18th century Europe, where the noble and monarchy hierarchy still reigned free. The seniors and elitists being the nobles and the rest of us as peasants. Challenge one of them and die.

Not even. Challenge their mindset and face their wrath. Judgmental looks and remarks... some of you really need to be more clever about that. But that's not what's bothering me. That is perfectly fine, because people deserve their own opinion. Some of it is probably justified.

And a few things in case it wasn't clear:
1. I don't care about results. I saw it from a mile away.
2. I don't care what strangers think about me on this topic.
3. I love music. I do not like certain people.

There you go, Gamma. I updated.

It has been 3 long years...

and the epic moment has arrived.

This is a legen-

wait for it..
wait for it...

dary moment.

I have achieved... vibrato status in my oboe-ing. ~cue gasps~
I am joyful.

50 Ways to Say Goodbye by Train

Mini Mini Mini Mini Mock Trial

I need a huge hole to just open up underneath and swallow me up. I have no idea what was up with my performance today. I will kill myself. :-|

Damn, I had such a good closing rebuttal.
And apparently, I'm naturally soft-spoken? Excuse me... I... try... not to be. :(

Sophomore Homecoming

HOMECOMING. YES. Today was pretty damn fun. I believe I slept at 1am the night before and woke up at around 5:30... arrived on campus at 6am. I put on some SPIFFAY suspenders and bowtie andddddd the show rolls. The gauntlet band was sort of derpy, especially since we were ahem sabotaged. I'm not happy about what you did. (Yes, you know who you are.) Despite not having a bass line, the band went pretty well (or at least according to Mr. P). It was awesome getting to play on a flugel again. I kinda miss marching band. Oh, memories.

Highlight of the day was bonding with my fellow sophomores, especially with my band buddays and in 7th period (half of the class is composed of band people anyways)! Yes, in 7th period chem class, I did some ionic bonding! Hahaha, I crack myself up.

Not bad homecoming, I understand your purpose now. I just hope that I can be more involved next year. I at least want to do couples dance! (But no guy wants to pair up with me. Boo.) But next year shall be next year's worries.

Workload... what?

Tonight, I must read 120 pages for my computer science course, which starts tomorrow! I am most definitely scared and most definitely unprepared. (I am only on pg. 14.) But, I think I can do it. Wish me luck!

I still listen to Taylor Swift when I'm upset. It brings back memories of closure and security. Some things never change. #LEA

Mémoire 5: What We Were

I once thought that nobody else could get between us. Nobody. Not your best friends and not mine, because frankly well.. we were all each other's best friends. What is it that caused our disconnect? I now know. No, it wasn't that I had a life apart from our little 8th grade group. It was me.

It was that I "preferred" and spent time with others outside our little group. One by one, we broke off. We floated off into a dark space and never to be found again. Physically, we see each other every day at school. Emotionally, we are nowhere where we used to be. Between the two of us, we smiled at each other every day in 1st semester freshmen year and said, "at least we got each other". But in 2nd semester, we started drifting. It wasn't you who changed. I did.

Between the two of us, you were the coward. You didn't talk to me. You didn't challenge my neglect. You took our friendship for granted and so did I. So when it broke, you didn't know how to fix it. And now, I don't know how to fix it. But I, I refuse to sit by the sidelines and watch 3 years of happiness go to waste. I will be proactive. I will try to make amends. So Monday, it's the last-ditch attempt. If my words can't change our friendship, nothing else can. In this case, time is only the enemy. I will forever cherish the last few years in which you were my constant companion. And I will try not to wince or tear up as I watch you cherish your last few years in high school in which you will be another's constant companion.

The reason why we broke is the same reason why it will be so hard for me to fix this relationship. We never had honesty. We were distantly emotionally intimate if that makes any sense. We never came out and said what we wanted to say. So instead, we said what we wanted to say through jokes. Now, when it comes to this critical period in which you've already given up and I am close to giving up, honesty is the only thing that can fix us. But for this to happen, it takes great courage on both parts. What I will discover on Monday is whether you care about our friendship. It will leave me either a very happy person or a sad, lost soul. You always know what to say to comfort me, much better than anybody else I met. I can say that with clear, definitive confidence. It's a talent that got you into my life, and it's also a decoy for acting like you care that I can now identify.

On Monday, I only have one weapon: what we once felt for each other. Pure, innocent love and then neglect. This is the only way I forsee that would have such a profound effect that even you would listen. Yes, you, the joking, emotionless you. Monday will not only be a test of our relationship but also the test of your character. Are you emotionally mature enough to come to terms with what I'm saying?

My ultimate gamble is that in order for my plan of order to work my interpretation of our relationship must be correct. If I am incorrect in this, then I will have underestimated and wrongly interpreted everything that occurred in the past few years.

I, myself, am not feeling so strongly about this talk. With every "if" statement is another opportunity to embarrass myself and another opportunity for you to walk away. It is a tenuous link chain that with each prerequisite the probability of success minimizes. To be honest, I see no realistic happy ending. Perhaps, you'll go home and think about it a bit. But overall, you will forget about it. "The ends do not justify the costs. Our friendship is unsalaveable and unneeded." At school, you'll look at me like I've changed too dramatically to be me. I'll look at you, make eye contact, and quickly look away so that I won't feel anymore remorse than I need to. You'll blandly ask me what I got on my math test to keep our friendship "alive". I'll blandly reply and smile a bit but leave because you just made eye contact with your new best friend. I'll sit every day behind you and wonder where things went wrong.

I understand that you are over the pain I caused you through neglect. Karma seems to always come around and stab you in the back where you least expect it. I will be over the pain too. It might take a little bit longer. It might be a little more painful. But by the end, we will be what we once thought was impossible-- strangers.

Sophomore Year Schedule

Per. 1: World Literature- Ball
Per. 2: AP Calculus B/C- Korsunsky
Per. 3: Wind Ensemble- Pakaluk
Per. 4: French II- Schang
Per. 5: PE Racquet Sports- Kenworthy
Per. 6: World History- Tiederman
Per. 7: Chemistry Honors- Rocklin

Summer of 2012: Debate & Math

Hello, everybody!
School just started a week ago. (1/2 boo hoo) I haven't been posting in a while but that is because I was having... a good summer! And by good summer... I mean productive summer. The funny thing is that you'd expect me to moan and groan about all the work I did for the past 3 months, but I actually enjoyed my summer! It was invigorating. I can get drunk off this type of schedule.

For the first two weeks, I was the typical (and very bad) high school student. I hung out with my friends almost all day. I actually don't even really remember what happened. I just remember being very lazy. Yes, I know. I should've at least kept up my oboe-ing. I guess I just wanted a break from my "oh-so-stressful" freshman year. Hah! Stressful? I shouldn't even be able to deem 9th grade stressful. It was just confusing, trying to decide who I wanted to be and combine that with added pressure from certain people and myself... you have a huge mess! So yes, trying to sort out your own life is stressful. I do agree. But school-work wise, definitely not.

VBI

The most interesting part of summer came next...! I went to VBI (victory briefs institute) for 2 weeks of hardcore debate camp. I was not prepared for this-- at all! If you could see me right now, I'm just cracking up thinking of what hell I went through at camp. No... it wasn't exactly hell though. It was so physically and mentally grueling, but it was academic haven. I loved it! Granted, the first few days left me clueless. In terms of exposure to LD, I have seen nothing. I knew little to no jargon. I had no idea what was utilitarianism and deontology. Based off my first two statements, you can probably tell that I never had to debate framework before. I was very lucky in my past tournaments not to run into anything too crazy. Phew! I still wished that I went 4-0 at Milpitas though. I kind of wanted to win a tournament for once. (My genius brother already has a huge line of trophies from all the state chess championships he placed in!) So in the whole first week of camp, I was struggling in catching up to my lab's level., and my self-esteem just disappeared. Did I have any clue about debate? No. Maybe I should've stuck with PF? If only I had a good partner! Camp was definitely humbling. But it was great because I learned a lot. I only wish that I knew everything beforehand so that I could actually advance myself further. I have a crazy amount of reading to do on philosophy. (Metaethics? Wow, I think I'm gonna leave that for next year.)

Now the fun part of camp... I met so many amazing people at VBI. I got to know my roommate, Christine, really well. We actually both had health issues at camp, but we took care of each other. During our illnesses, we just went crazy. ("Look at Elvis!") Lots of inside jokes... it's great. Some of my close friends are around the nation... from New York (Ms. Supermodel)! Georgia (HEY Lynn)! Florida (Spigeler)! Arizona (Ms. Fearless)! Texas (Zagorskaahh)! I became really close with people in the local circuit too... like Filsether and Mrs. (oops... can't say it in cyberspace). And man, my lab leaders were amazing, as people and debaters. :3 Just thinking of all the awesome people I met makes me remember all the memories. Ahh... Yes, and camp was in UCLA. So the campus was pretty nice. The food was beautiful. The pasta? Oh goodness, now I'm hungry. Love, love, love. During beach day, I had so much fun swimming in the ocean... for the first time! Thanks, Angela for getting me in there. The support was so nice. :') As for Jae, thanks for bullying me into swimming there. Haha! It was unintentional bullying, I'd say.

Yes, VBI was very, very fun, other than the sleepless nights working on my cases. I think I slept on average about 5-6 hours every night. It depended on who I spent the night with. But it was a losing fight the whole way through. If I stayed in my room, I'd bond with my roomie. If I went out, I'd wander to Sindhoora and Angela's room and start screwing about. Or I'd head to Meera and Lindsey's room and screw around more... Or I'd head to Elissa's room and end up not doing anything... Or I'd see Jared in the hallway and just end up brainstorming stuff that I could never get done during camp (ultimately useless)... The list goes on and on. Overall, camp was an amazing experience.

Let's Math!

After camp, I came home to a pretty bland lifestyle. I wanted to skip Pre-Calculus and take AP Calc BC in sophomore year... and in order to do that, I needed to pass the challenge test. I only had about 5 weeks to go through the whole course. I did a little bit of the textbook before debate camp up to conics, but I still had a very long way to go. It was so hard transitioning from free, glorious, philosophical camp to math concepts 300x. Instead of visiting my friends at 2am in the morning, I was stuck in small quarters with my family 24/7. I obviously didn't give my full effort at first. It was just so hard to lose so much of my freedom so quickly. I was extremely frustrated with myself.

Long story short, I actually really enjoyed my summer of math. I learned a lot, lot, lot. So I'm hoping that it'll all come into use and my efforts were not in vain.

Overall, I had an amazing summer. I met the most interesting people ever. I learned a lot. I was productive. I did a bit of soul-searching. I actually wish that I could've tackled more in CS or mock trial, but you can only do so much with three months. Hopefully summer of 2013 will be even better than this one. Goodbye to you, summer of 2012. You will be missed. (School updates shall be up... sometime.)

Samsung Galaxy SIII Ad

The song in the ad is so lovely.

All these scheduling conflicts are about to make me go crazy. I wonder if I can afford to sleep in sophomore year. Blargh, I have no idea.

Thus begins my regime.

Mini Update

It's been a few months since I last posted. Ehm... I've been keeping myself busy with a lot of things. Going in between finals and debate and math etc. etc. etc. etc.

But I had a great opportunity come up in the past week (regarding CAPE)! So that was all good. (My debate skills kicked in and helped tremendously, which is further proof of why that sport is awesome.)

I'm really excited for Monday though! I guess pictures will be forthcoming. I will be sure to update more in the coming days so that this post might make some more sense.

Bye for now!

Ps. I'm at the library right now, and for the first time, I'm actually enjoying their speedy wifi. I didn't disconnect randomly yet! Success.

The Beauty of Not-Procrastinating

Today, I didn't procrastinate. I didn't go online until I finished 1/2 of my homework. And I actually got to bed an hour earlier, even with my 1 hr nap! Plus, I got home kind of late. So, great. I shall continue this regime, as long as my discipline holds. Haha. I like going to bed earlier. Sleep is holy in a high schooler's life.

Right now, I'm working on a piece that's along the lines of the song below. What an inspiration! Thank you, Rachit, for re-showing me that song. You got rid of my writer's block. And of course, it's a beautiful song with a powerful message.

Ain't No Reason by Brett Dennen

There ain’t no reason things are this way.
It's how they always been and they intend to stay.
I can't explain why we live this way, we do it everyday.

Preachers on the podium speakin’ to saints..
Prophet on the sidewalk beggin’ for change,
Old ladies laughing from the fire escape, cursing my name.
I got a basket full of lemons and they all taste the same,
A window and a pigeon with a broken wing,
You can spend your whole life workin’ for something
Just to have it taken away.

People walk around pushin; back their debts.
Wearing pay checks like necklaces and bracelets,
Talking ‘bout nothing, not thinking ‘bout death,
Every little heartbeat, every little breath.

People walk a tight rope on a razors edge
Carrying their hurt and hatred and weapons.
It could be a bomb or a bullet or a pen
Or a thought or a word or a sentence.

There ain't no reason things are this way.
It's how they always been and they intend to stay
I don’t know why I say the things I say, but I say them anyway.
But love will come set me free
Love will come set me free, I do believe
Love will come set me free, I know it will
Love will come set me free, yes.

Prison walls still standing tall,
Some things never change at all.
Keep on buildin’ prisons, gonna fill them all,
Keep on buildin’ bombs, gonna drop them all.

Working your fingers bare to the bone, breakin your
Back make you sell your soul, life alone is filled with
Coal sufficating slow. The wind blows wild and I may move,
The politicians lie and I am not fooled.

You don't need no reason or a three piece suit to argue the truth.
The air on my skin and the world under my toes,
Slavery stitched into the fabric of my clothes,
Chaos and commotion wherever I go, love I try to follow.

Love will come set me free
Love will come set me free, I do believe
Love will come set me free, I know it will
Love will come set me free, yes.

There ain't no reason things are this way
It’s how they always been and they intend to stay
I can't explain why we live this way, we do it everyday.

Supermoon: Revisiting Mémoire 4

The moon is so beautifully bright tonight. It's not exactly larger in size, as the reports promised. However, it's abnormally radiant, and of course, that makes up for everything. These bright, breezy nights... these are the nights that remind me of my childhood memories. Running around in my pj's, scaling up fences. Laughing and giggling. Stealing knowing looks at my friends beside me.

It was quite a night to remember. It was one of my last few innocent memories before high school-- one of my fondest. Throughout that whole entire night, I suppose the moon spoke to me the loudest. Its majestic face was the one who greeted me, saving us 3 from frostbite. Its bright gleam seemed to speak of patience and wisdom.

"Cherish these moments while you still live them. And when the night is over, remember me, for I will be awaiting to help you relive them once again."

To whom it may concern:

Our friendship spawned from our intelligent conversation. We discussed everything... from science to religion to literature to politics. You were the one person who held these beautiful conversations with me. But that was back in Novemeber. That was a few months ago.

It seems like those times are archaic in our history. But believe it or not, those were the times that I miss the most. It's what made me love you the way I did. I'm still trying to hold on those feelings. Not that it's entirely your fault... you're making it really hard though.

I know. I could've done more to involve and engage you. However, whenever we do have contrasting opinions, you back off from a fight. I absolutely hate that about you. Conversation and relationships can be built through dissent. They can especially be strengthened through discussions. Nowadays, you're just talking about random gossips that, frankly, I have no interests in.

Maybe this is who you are. You like to stalk people's affairs via Facebook for entertainment. Fine, I'll accept that part of you. But please, do not involve me in such frivolous matters. Call me a hypocrite. Sometimes, I do the same to you (concerning other topics), and I am deeply sorry about that.

My point is... it's been a long time since we've had an intelligent conversation. Can we go back to those times when we actually had something to talk about? My confidante (you know her) says that those conversations happened back then because you tried to capture my attention. Now that I'm your friend, does that mean that we stop talking about such matters? It seems like it does. You've named science your escape-- your Allison-free zone. You've named any other topics uninteresting to you. (Oh dear, sorry, I would have to take out religion out of our conversations. We fight far too much about that in an unhealthy way.)

What happened between now and then? Why are we like this? I'm absolutely dying to actually talk to you about something interesting and mind-boggling. I loved you for it. It's what set you apart. But now that it's gone, I don't know if I can still say that. I just need to know... what happened?

Intelligent Conversations

Right now, I'm pretty sad. Or at least, I feel pretty lonely. I feel like this year I've been deprived of intelligent conversations. After spending a whole summer with these impressive people, I guess I would say that my standards have been raised. It's like I have been dumped from this beautiful haven of knowledge to this highly competitive public school, in which people either don't try/care or don't like to keep their mind on such matters.

Being in a literature class comprised of 25 unmotivated (or shy) students has pretty much deprived me of book discussions. (Seeking these discussions myself outside of the classroom is so terribly hard!) Today, I was able to talk to my CAPE friend about literature and language in general. I think he pretty much made my day. It was so great just to be able to talk and discuss, to have him actually challenge my ideas, and to expose me to new ones. It was just absolutely magnificent.

I also spoke with another old CAPE bud about debate, Model UN, and mock trial. That was also really fun. Haha. I don't know! I just feel like speaking to them offers so much more information and value than talking to some people at my own school. It may be because of our history, but then again, if I look back at the conversation, I'm sure that I'd find that they actually engage in conversation.

Epiphany! I now realize why I want to go to a summer program! It entails meeting new people and exchanging new ideas. Maybe, I don't exactly enjoy Lynbrook, because most people have the same view on things. Very rarely do I find someone who has contrasting interpretations... or very rarely do I find someone who is willing to share their own unique thoughts. It's an absolute rarity in Lynbrook, which is one of the things I hate! Perhaps, it'll change next year. I really hope it will!

Without meaning, words are nothing but senseless drivel.

"How about let me talk about everything: all our intimacy, all our conversations, the content of our conversations?"

Way to completely destroy whatever trust I had in you. I don't even know if I can forgive you. I thought I knew you better. But no, you're just like the rest. You're just a fool who takes advantage of someone who loves you. Yeah, I know better now. I know not to trust anybody. You thoroughly convinced me that you cared and that our secrets would be safe.

Fool me one, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Well, you're not going to get a second shot.

The thing that makes me sad is that... I've deliberated about my actions. And you? You just lash out like a little child, who can't get what they want. Learn to control yourself for once, will you?

This Made my Day

Sonia: Dude I started learning this thing called meend on the sitar. It's when you pull and wiggle the strings and it hurts like a mofo and my fingers are getting new calluses
me:  LOOL Wiggling the strings OMG LOL. I think it's called vibrato, but yes, wiggling the strings.

Gah.

Why so many tests...? The ones I actually need to study for are all this week. :(

In Mourning

Let our tears streak down our cheeks
Into a vast pool of nothingness.

Let the rain wash away the pain
Forgotten in an ocean of melancholy.

Let the birds sing once again
Serenade our tired souls to sleep.

Put us to rest.
Our eyes beg.

Let our hearts be free.

Oh dear, I have so much work to do. Great, great, great! I hope it won't be a sleepless night.. But I know it won't be that fun.

It's been a long time since I've posted on this blog.

I found my usb, filled with all the projects I did at CAPE this summer. Haha, it's nice to see what I did back then. And now... how to improve it!

Man, I seriously can't wait for this break. I'm going to be making cool projects all the way. Haha, I love how you don't need internet for coding. Just type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type...

Who are we to question human nature? Only a fool would. He is not an ordinary fool but a revolutionary one!

Unspoken Comfort

By Allison Tam

Compassion can be found
In the most surprising place

Through a subtle nod
A slight brush
A light touch
A twinkle in another's eyes

Compassion can found
In the most surprising company

From a friend who went astray
From an enemy who discounted you long ago
From an acquaintance who was far too obnoxious
From a shy classmate who never spoke a word

I once thought I knew from whom
I would receive such a gift--
The gift of compassion
To free my melancholy soul.
I once thought I knew.
My thoughts were once wrong.

Because it seems quite odd that
Compassion can be found
In the most surprising places
While lacking
In the most usual

Sport teams form friendships like no other. Seriously, being in a team sport is some of the best ways to make friends... and not just any friends-- the type of friends that have your back for years to come. I guess marching band was my "sport team" this year. I wish I hadn't quit soccer.


I should really get my knee checked.

Speed Coding

me:  And then he moves on. Because frankly, I'm a pretty good coder. LOL.

 Rachit:  Hahaha safe 

 me:  Or at least one of the people who go crazy making their own code LOL 

Rachit:  

I still have java. Lol, screwed. 

me:  Good job. It's so easy though.

 Rachit:  I didn't do combination lock yet.

 me:  I got today's lesson done in 15 minutes. All 4 of those exercises

 Rachit:   Okay.

 me:  Pretty fun.

 Rachit:  OKAY, Allison.

 me:  Speed coding

 Rachit:  Some people don't have that time. OH

 me:  During class? >:P LOOL

 Rachit:  If only you were that good at spreading 

 me:  Spreading code in 4 minutes? Ouch.

I am so disappointed in my writing right now.
I just... don't know why I can't write. This is actually really bad.

Note to self:
Man up, tackle that essay. Stop hiding behind a fake pile of math homework. 

Chamber music concert is on Tuesday, April 3rd.
We are not ready.

My solos, frankly, sound like shit.
I am extremely scared. Extremely.

OH DAMN. I just found a beautiful new reed for my obo-ing. High hopes for you, little reed. High hopes. Unfortunately, I'm not sure where it's from. I believe it's from Adduci. Not sure though, since his last batch was quite questionable.

Must. Do. Summer. Applications.

Spring Concert

Man, we have got some talented oboes. I shall learn how to do vibrato soon enough! (Hopefully.)

Yeah, concert band didn't do so well at this concert
it was just.
terrible.

Just sent out the acceptance emails for animation club. I am quite nervous. The meeting is in two weeks, and I haven't exactly done much.

But... quite excited! It'll be awesome as long as we keep our cool.

Never let down your guard. Ever.

Thank you.

That was an amazing asking. How unique! Thank you to you, your awesome band, and everybody else who dragged me over the band room.

This next month, I'm going to learn CSS or go more depth into HTML. It's time I started actually doing stuff. Besides, my motivation shall be prettifying this blog. Hehe.

I mean,  please. Look at this layout. It's really nice. But it's too boring. I wanna create something awesome. Not to mention, I said that I'd get a website running for Animation Experience. Sigh, I'm quite backed up on work. Time to start intensely researching.

Do you ever feel like you're in a never ending loop, just waiting for your life to start? Probably not, if you're being productive. I feel like I'm learning. I'm getting the concepts. But... I'm not applying it anywhere. I guess what I mean to say is that I feel kind of empty. I don't really know what to do. I don't know what I've done freshmen year.

It's already March. The school year is almost over.

I seriously need to be more productive. I was pretty productive today once I started working, but I don't know. I feel like I'm not in total ambitious, focused, locked-in mode. I'm just messing around, and it just sucks because I really don't have any more time to spare.

Self-discipline shall come into play now. I don't know how much of it I have though. Ouch.

Adios Nonino by Astor Piazzolla is a beautiful song.

I especially like Mike's arrangement. Haha. So pretty! The jazz fest was pretty fun.

:] Today, wind ensemble results came out. Haha. ^.^

Everybody told me that it was gonna be okay. I think deep down I thought so too. But on the surface, I was trying to emotionally prepare myself by imagining worst-case scenarios. I think I prepared myself a little too much because it hasn't sunk in yet. Or at least, it's sinking in very slowly. I'm very excited. ^.^ Hehe.

How do you eliminate pain?

By not caring at all in the first place.

I am actually really kind of pissed right now. I can't go to SCU2, because band CMEA is on the same day as rounds start.

Gfdjsklfdasfjladslfkjadsl;fjadsklfjakdslfdask;fjadsklfjadslfjaslfjas;klfaslk;

>:O
Last tourney of the year. My hopes shot down.

I think I just wrote an extremely professional email to all our club applicants. I... feel like a sir!

Haha, anyways, I must update my very very long list of what to write here. Except, I doubt I have the time. Here are my additions:

1. Jazz band fest (sigh I'm hopeless)
1a. Why is Mike so pro at piano? Gah.
1b. Why is Dasha and Nikhil so pro at trumpet? Double Gah.
1c. Why is Steven and Stephen so pro at saxophone & trombone?!
1d. Why is the whole band pro except me?

2. Hunger Games this Friday. ^.^ Chilling with some of my old friends.

3. Java programming... Man, that's fun.

4. I'm so tired I forgot what I wanted to say next. GOOD NIGHT.

Man, I want to be in Wind Ensemble. x]

Hehe. Today, I finished the basic prototype to my perception java program. I'm actually kind of proud of it. ^.^ Except... now I have a lot of homework that I have not finished yet... nor tackled.

Today was pretty successful. :]
More information shall shortly come way this weekend.

I've been so traumatized by auditions that I didn't even start my homework til 11pm.
Hah.
Hah.
Hah.

I need something new to obsess over.

Really? Really? So much for consistency.

Why do I even bother trying in music?

And then it's as if nothing happened. I don't recognize you guys anymore. As much as I'd like to go back to the good ol' days and relive them with you, it's not going to happen. It's never going to happen. Nothing will come close to what fun we all had. It's depressing how short life is. One blink of an eye and half of your life has passed you by. Of course, I'm still considered young, but it feels all the same. I don't know if it's going to get better from this point or worse. I hope it's the former.

Now, I know why people hate going to Lynbrook. You can either look at it positively or negatively though. I'm trying to look at it as a motivation. "You can do it. I know you can."

Some friends stick forever. I think I know who they are.

Oh, by the way, Berkeley turned out beautifully. I promise, I shall find time to talk about it!

1. Debate: Logan, Milpitas, Stanford, Berkeley
2. Awesome month of speaking conferences (February)
3. Tackling audition pieces: oboe and english horn
4. Summer plans
5. Sophomore year planning: course selection, extracurriculars, etc
6. Should I tackle CYS or ECYS next year?

Don't You Remember?

By Adele

"When will I see you again?
You left with no goodbye,
Not a single word was said,
No final kiss to seal any seams,
I had no idea of the state we were in,

I know I have a fickle heart and a bitterness,
And a wandering eye, and heaviness in my head,

But don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,

When was the last time you thought of me?
Or have you completely erased me from your memory?
I often think about where I went wrong,
The more I do, the less I know,

But I know I have a fickle heart and a bitterness,
And a wandering eye, and a heaviness in my head,

But don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,

Gave you space so you could breathe,
I kept my distance so you would be free,
And hoped that you'd find the missing piece,
To bring you back to me,

Why don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,

When will I see you again?"

On Adele

Adele is such an inspiring singer. Call me whatever names you want. Perhaps I did jump on the bandwagon but that doesn't mean I'm a terrible person. It just means that I didn't notice her before, and it took the media's extra scrutiny to get me to actually see what she was about.

Back to my point, Adele is an amazing singer. Her songs actually contain soul and music. Her success relies on her beautiful voice and music instead of auto-tune. Just listen to one of her songs and surely you'll be enchanted.

She's consistent.
She's strong.
She's a role model.

Adele knows how to be independent-- of a broken heart, of an audience, of the media. One thing that I really admire about her is that she doesn't fall prey to the entertainment industry's overrated image of a singer: anorexic, sleazy, needy. She's a strong woman. She's beautiful and confident and anything else an audience could ask for. That's why I have my utmost respect for her. Adele, you captured the world's attention. Now, do what you do best. Sing.

Truly Growing Up

It comes to a certain point in time when they stop measuring you by your potential and start looking at your success. At that moment, the under-average ones fall behind even more. The average ones get worse or better depending on their connections. And the best only get better. It's only an uphill battle from here on out.

Morbid Debaters

So my friend, Meera, has a very interesting story to tell tonight. Apparently, at the Logan tournament, the heel of her shoe broke and penetrated through the sole of her shoe. She looked down in the middle of the round and noticed that some red "stuff" decorated her heel. Her opponent followed her line of sight and also saw the red "stuff", which at that point surely resembled blood. Her opponent creepily smiled at her.

Very morbid. Very morbid indeed. Very creepy. As karma would have it, Meera won that round.
The end.

Updates about Stanford shall come via mobile Blogger if I'm not too busy freaking out.

Stanford is tomorrow. Deep breaths. I can do this. Just try your best, and everything will be great. No regrets. Leave everything out on the field.

I mean... leave everything out on the podium. Haha. (See what I did there?)

Calm down.
Calming down.
Deep breaths.
Man, oboe is such a relaxing instrument  when played right. I should've been listening to this the whole night.

I'm sorry, Mom, Dad for dragging you to these debate tournaments. I know you have extremely busy lives, but you're taking out your whole day just to support me going to this tournament. It's actually really nerve-wracking. You're devoting so much time and resources to this. It's no longer just kid games. It's the big leagues now. Am I ready? Maybe. Probably not. I hope i am up for the challenge though. I can't fail this time. I've got to win this.

"A lonely death in which no one cared and no one came
When the walls cave in, we only have ourselves to blame"

~Mayday Parade, Without the Bitter the Sweet Isn't as Sweet

What if debate is going the same way as soccer? It's starting to feel like more of an obligation than an actual hobby. ~Sobs. But I love debate!

Maybe I do have hope. It's just too young of a promise to tell right now.

D-Day: March 7th

27 days to go until wind ensembl-ay auditions. I'm really scared.

I'm really excited but really nervous for Stanford's tournament this Saturday. It's going to be hella long. But, it's going to be worth it.

I hope... I seriously hope that I wouldn't waste money on this tourney "for fun", especially since I'm also going to Berkeley.

Well, at least for Berkeley, I'll have my oboe fixed then.

Life is tough. Get over it.

The AMC today really reminded me about how much I love math. I did better than I expected. I actually got the questions I solved correct! :'D

If I sleep now... will I be more productive tomorrow? I sure hope so.

I bid you guys farewell. I must sleep. I hope I can find reprieve easily today. I've got AMCs tomorrow and I'll need all the brain power I can get.

I am so glad that I found a replacement for BMUN. So much weight has been lifted. Although I really do regret not doing this topic... patients rights and controversial religious practices. And the country is Canada! God, this would've been a beautiful conference if I had gotten enough time to do it.

Oh, yeah, and if I had gotten a proper answer to when the deadline would be (cough cough cough).

I can see it all coming together. I'm too tired to do anything about it though. I'm all worn out. I definitely need another break to rejuvenate. Or else I'm going to collapse from stress and work overload. I'm not in my most efficient mood and it sucks.

Well actually, my mind is in an efficient mood. The part of my brain that actually does the real work begs to differ. That lazy pompous ass!

I need to learn how to drive. Is there some sort of a program where I can apply to drive at a younger age? My grandpa is getting too old to operate a car. It's for others' safety, his health, and my own personal relief. I can't wait until I'm 16. Then, I can take this burden off my grandpa. Just 1.5 more years. Just a little more time.

At the same time though... I love my extracurriculars. <3 Love to you all.

I don't think I have a single day in which I'm free. I savor every single day that I can get home at 3pm and stay home until 7am the following day. I absolutely enjoy it with all my might, because I don't get many days like that anymore.

I just don't. I miss it.

To-Do List

1. Prep for Stanford.
2. Work out timings for Berkeley.
3. Get trip papers signed.
4. Practice oboe and english horn like an insane maniac.
5. Look up summer programs.
6. Write up reflections.
7. Rebuild bridges!
8. Send reminder for club.
9. Have fun on Friday.
10. Get enough sleep.
11. Get organized. (See what I'm doing right now?)

Seriously, get more organized.

I am very much behind schedule. Next time I visit Safeway I am buying a pack of ground coffee. I need some caffeine to just stay awake.

Debate

I'll be very brief because I would really love to sleep. Haha but I've got pretty funny and good news regarding debate.

1. Logan Tournament: Apparently, in my 3rd round, I debated against Madame Schang's daughter. Damn, they're a good team. I thought that I didn't completely shame myself in front of her though! That's good. Haha.
2. Milpitas Tournament: I went 3-1, which is actually not that bad for my first LD tournament. I'm pretty satisfied, although I should have won the 2nd round. Damn, even the ballots said that we were hella close. We both got the same number of speaker points. Sigh. But it's okay! Next time, I'll own.
3. Future: Apparently due to my performance at Milpitas, our debate coach said that I should go into varsity for the upcoming league tournaments. I'm actually really excited. :] Maybe, I'm not that much a fail. I'm really happy about this actually. Haha, it made my day.
4. Stanford Tournament: Aww, I'm on the waiting list. I really want to go to this tournament though! I heard that it's really awesome. I hope I do get to go in the end though. After all, they already subtracted $75 from my account. Do I get to go? :D
5. Berkeley Tournament: I'm so excited to go to this tournament. I get to tour Berkley with my best buddies. I get to actually go to a pretty major tournament. Who knows? Maybe I'll do well. I'm apprehensive though. I must prep!
6. Harker Tournament: Is there such a thing? Tiffany said there is. But if so, I think it's a league, and I guess that'll be my first legitimate varsity tournament. Fun!

Varisty! :]

I'm so excited. Teehee.

To-Do List/Goals

Goal: Sleep before 12.
Goal: Practice oboe/english horn every day for at least 45 minutes.
Goal: Look over french vocab whenever I have spare time. Even staring helps. (Oh, wait! We should also apply this to SAT vocab. Haha.)
Goal: Do not stress eat. Take gum as your savior!

To-Do 1: Write application... again!
To-Do 2: Make lay cases... again!
To-Do 3: Clean up room... again!
To-Do 4: Clean up desk... for the first time!

Yes, you may think that my desk clean up is encompassed in the room clean up, BUT THAT IS NOT THE CASE. I cannot have one giant task become a part of another. It'd just explode. LOL Therefore, I have two to-do lists!

Oh wait, I almost forgot.

To-Do 5: Read up on SCVMUN.

Today has actually been productive.

Oh god, I just cleaned out the English Horn for the first time in God-knows-how-many years. I'm sorry for doing to this to you, dear swab. I hope your little bath makes up for it.

The things I do for this English Horn. I love it so much. LOL. Well, if it would sound prettier, I would love it even more! But yes, it's growing on me. I even want to get it fixed. Awwh. How special.

"I'll be negative for this round."
"Great! Now, now where's the positive?"

I must talk more about the Milpitas Tournament today. But at some later date, it is far too late right now. But it was very very very fun indeed. I got to meet new people. I got to bond with my fellow Lynbrook debaters. I got to have some pretty fun rounds. Finally, got exposed to LD, and I must say... I'm liking it.

I'm not sure what to do for Berkeley and for Stanford. I hope I can prove myself sometime.

Shit, I have a really really bad tone quality on english horn. Like..... Damn, that's bad. Is there even time to improve from now til the chamber groups concert? I didn't even sound that bad when I first started playing oboe. There's gotta be something wrong with what I'm doing, but I don't know what!

~Rage
I really really really wanna go to France.
And I can't do that with a barfing tone quality.
"Well, english horn has some really nice vibrato." ~Mr. P
Oh yeah, that's because I can't play english horn, so now he's suggesting how badly I played. (NO! I refuse to be a failure!) Sigh, I shall ask my private teacher tomorrow. Maybe she can help. ;___;

I need caffeine now. Or else I won't be able to function in the debate tomorrow. x___x'

Goal: Finish my aff and neg case in 12 hours.

If I achieve this goal, I shall be the master of procrastination and deception (of knowing what to do).

Check List

1. Write email regarding flyer & dates.(ASAP)
2. Send out meeting minutes.(ASAP)
3. Write aff case. (1/27)
4. Write neg case. (1/27)
5. Write quote responses. (1/27)
6. Write application. (2/3)
7. Research for summer camps. (ASAP)

You can do great things if you only let yourself believe.

I have so much work to do. I'm seriously screwed. Good bye, LD cases. Good bye, sleep. I think I shall stay in the corner of the band room during the jazz concert, working my ass off.

Damn. I think I have RSI from typing so much on Monday. Argh. That's what you get when all of your essays are typed. That's what you get when you can't talk to people in person.

I'm so glad I had SCVMUN on February 3rd. No need to deal with Sadies drama! :D

Dammit, I have wasted so much time over the weekend. Sigh, this is really really saddening. Note to self: Create a to-do list! And check them off one by one. One by one. One by one.

Okay, sorry, I'm really really excited about starting this project. I can't wait. But I'm scared, you know? One false move... everything will fall apart... and a lot of people's time will be wasted. I'm not just betting on myself. So many people have placed their trust in me and I'd hate to fail them.

No worries. Deep breaths. Good planning is all that it takes. I've been trained for this. I can do this in my sleep.

Oh, god. Now begins the longest month of my life. I welcome you endless nights and mile long papers.

Why are you so mature? LOL. Oh wait, it may be because you've got two more years than everybody else I know. Thanks, really.

OUCH, Sonia, that. Now, that was harsh. (I couldn't help laughing though. Damn, I'm a bad person.)

Prepping for SCVMUN

I've got about 150 pages or so to read before February 3rd! I'm so excited. Oh, I also have to remember it too. (Wait... But we're allowed computers at our conference...) I sense notes and ctrl+F!

Happy Chinese New Year!

(In 12 minutes)

Year of the Dragon :]

Last week, I was so busy that I missed Pretty Little Liars. Tsk tsk. But I'll be sure to tell about my past week at some later date. I'm just feeling very tired now. Note to self: Talk about SCVMUN and Logan Tourney.

Note to self: Also talk about the LD decision.

Yay! I kind of started blogging again. (Or maybe I'll just go on splurges every week or something. Haha.) Hey, if you still read this, would you be to be so kind as to tell me? :] I just want to see if you are. It's a mode of communication afterall.

Apparently when I debate, I sound like I'm taking these matters personally. Damn, that's awkward. Hmm, but then again, the person who gave that opinion isn't exactly reliable. I'll be sure to watch my tone next time though. Nice point, mystery person.

Apparently "Ooh La La" is the equivalent of "Oh my gosh" in French. So instead of saying OMG, we, 1st period Frenchies shall start saying OLL.

OLL!

Hard Contacts

So I've started wearing my contacts again! I'm kind of excited. Other than the fact that my vision will vary hour to hour. That is not exactly helpful in class nor is it when I'm trying to read music notes off a page.

What's really funny about them though is that my depth perception significantly changed when I put them in. Everything because augmented, except my height. I grew shorter in comparison to the height of my room. Though... my room did grow bigger! (But then so did my stride size.) My computer screen is now wider than I previous thought. I really have no way of explaining it. Let's just say that my depth perception is different with contacts than with glasses. Which then, begs the question... which one is right?

Well, since I'm going to start wearing my contacts again, I shall go revisit my optometrist. See what's up with my depth perception. Get a check up on my eyes. Update the prescription on these contacts. That sort of business. I'm kind of excited. I get to go around with no glasses now. I'll actually look different. I won't look the same as I did for the past two years. Yay!

Project AE has officially started. :]

Make it or break it.

I'm so nervous for tomorrow.

I actually realized today that... I've been having a lot of "Dear John," moments (21st century style). As in...

Wait, before I begin, I'd like to add a disclaimer. I actually have never really paid attention to Dear John when I saw it at a sleepover. So, I'm sorry if I get the plot wrong. I mean "Dear John," moments as in writing to a loved one for comfort.

I suppose I'm somewhat notorious for writing extremely long explosive emails to friends. In these emails, I ask for advice. I rant. Along with these rants, I usually write about the situation for an hour or two before coming to a self-revelation or a philosophical revelation. I cannot say how amazing this process is. Because I have been writing these emails to my friends, I have documented my whole thought process up to my sudden eureka! moment. It's really quite amazing.

I'm really glad to have friends that accept these emails (even though I only write to two of you). I love you guys. Seriously, you guys mean a lot to me.

Dear John,
Thank you.

Memories

I'm not sure why, but this make me really sad. No, I don't long for my past. I feel bad for the older generation. When they're all grown up, they get to reminisce all their old memories, knowing that they're nearing their end already.

Our time on Earth is too short.

Dear John

By Taylor Swift

Long were the nights when my days once revolved around you
Counting my footsteps praying the floor won't fall through again
And my mother accused me of losing my mind
But I swore I was fine

You paint me a blue sky and go back and turn it to rain
And I lived in your chess game, but you changed the rules everyday
Wondering which version of you I might get on the phone tonight
Well, I stopped picking up and this song is to let you know why

Dear John, I see it all now that you're gone
Don't think I was too young to be messed with?
The girl in the dress cried the whole way home
I should've known

Well, maybe it's just me and my blind optimism to blame
Or maybe it's you and your sick need to give love then take it away
And you'll add my name to your long list of traitors who don't understand
And I'll look back and regret how I ignored when they said run as fast as you can

Dear John, I see it all now that you're gone
Don't you think I was too young to be messed with?
The girl in the dress cried the whole way home

Dear John, I see it all now it was wrong
Don't you think nineteen's too young to be played with?
Your dark twisted games when I loved you so
I should've known

You are an expert at sorry and keeping lines blurry
Never impressed by me acing your tests
All the girls that you've run dry have tired, lifeless eyes
'Cause you've burned them out

But I took your matches before fire could catch me
So don't look now
I'm shining like fireworks over
Your sad, empty town

Dear John, I see it all now that you're gone
Don't you think I was too young to be messed with?
The girl in the dress cried the whole way home

Dear John, I see it all now it was wrong
Don't you think nineteen's too young to be played with?
The girl in the dress wrote you a song
You should've known

You should've known
Don't you think I was too young?
You should've known

~~~

I hope you're different.

I've just been so busy for the past week. I'll update more starting... Sunday? :D

Without the Bitter the Sweet Isn't as Sweet

By Mayday Parade

We used to be something surreal 
Others looked to us for what we built
We were envied until the point
The point in which we fell
We fell by the wayside, and slowly watched ourselves die
A lonely death in which no one cared and no one came
When the walls cave in, we only have ourselves to blame

And even if it's dark at least we'll be together
Slowly sinking in the earth to lay forever
You better grab a hold and hold on for your life
Because you don't get lucky twice

Now even if it's perfect, I can't get carried away
And motivate my tongue in twisted ways
It felt like a good night, for dancing and the moonlight
In empty streets, well, everybody's got a reason why
If we could only just get it right

Maybe it will all work out like in the movies
But I know Romeo must die before the ending
With a final poison kiss delivered gently
Because you don't get lucky twice, and that's the truth

Sing to me sweet, just like my memory
If New York City still moves me
Then I found something real
I'll be okay, I could go on for days
But I just don't have the courage that it takes to be real

And even if it's dark at least we'll be together
Slowly sinking in the earth to lay forever
You better grab a hold and hold on for your life
Because you don't get lucky twice
No, you don't get lucky twice

English Horn

I must tell about the english horn tomorrow. It's so beautiful. :')
Making me tear up with happiness just thinking about it. Haha. But it's late now. I'll tell about my awesome endeavor later.

On the bright side...

My mom went to the mall today and she actually found a formal outfit for me. YES! :'D And it was a really good deal too. Haha. The sizings are a bit funky but I'll take it. I just can't change my breadth for the next 4 years. If I get skinnier, my skirt won't fit. If I grow fatter, the blazer won't fit. Hmm.

I have just received great news that our position papers will be due on Monday, January 9th. :') Further procrastination commence! I shall now go off and clean my room. Oh dear, I have a lot of papers to write.

There's still that debate case... and Logan is on January 13th...

I think this blog is turning into just a log of my progress on my to-do list. LOL. That's wonderful. /sarcasm.

WELL, TOO BAD. It's my blog. I get to write what I want to write on it. Truth be told, I'm already frantic and drowning in work. School isn't even in session yet. Hmph. I'm so glad I didn't do soccer. But it also doesn't help that it's debate season and a bunch of Model UN conferences are coming up. (Oh, but those are so fun!)

After I'm not so drowning in work, I'll post about stuff that (some) people might actually care about. Hmm, well it's either get an update on my work or not have be blog at all. And basing it on my two (or more? :D) readers, I think they'd like me to blog at least something.

Cough cough. Yes, that's right, Anusha. I'm looking at you. Or... coughing at you.

Finished 1/6!

Yes! I'm being productive! Damn. I just finished writing my email regarding the CAPE ambassadorship. Guess how long it was? I'm not sure but I don't want to copy and paste to see how many pages it is. But the scroll bar for the email message body is very small. Argh. I think I need to cut it down. I can't waste people's time! This email took 1 hour to write. ONE HOUR. 2am-3:15am.

I'm mental. And I was typing non-stop. I think I'll try to go see how many pages it is now. LOL

Anyways, here is my updated to-do list!

New Updated To-Do List:

1. debate briefs (Must finish reading by Jan. 4th)

2. email 1 (Done with draft; just need to edit => 3/4)

3. clean room (I am now 25% finished with cleaning)

4. getting new math notebook (Must get by Jan. 3rd)

5. finish writing position paper (Must finish by midnight today)

6. practice oboe (Dang I have a lesson on Tuesday)

Oh dear, by the way, I just copy and pasted my email over to word.

~Gulp.

2 whole pages got taken up–– single spaced, 1406 words.

Finished 3/6!

What did I tell you? I expected that I'd get 3 tasks done out of 6, yes? Haha.

To-Do List:

1. debate briefs

2. Model UN topic synopsis (DONE!)

3. email 1

4. email 2 (DONE!)

5. cleaning room

6. fix oboe (DONE!)

I shall now add a new task: finish writing our position papers and getting a new math notebook.

New Updated To-Do List:

1. debate briefs

2. email 1

3. clean room

4. getting new math notebook

5. finish writing position paper

Happy New Years! :D

It's 2012! Let's make this an awesome year. Resolutions... to be posted.