July 1st

I'm looking forward to tomorrow! Super excited, super nervous. I don't feel that confident, to be honest. BUT HEY, I shall be awesome. I shall be confident.

I will go to bed very soon, because before my super cool afternoon I have a practice SAT (bundles of joy). I'm looking forward to tomorrow. Putting it behind me now.

Whoosh. I'm focused. I'm going to kick butt. I'm in it to win it.

Game on. Hope it all goes well. :)

"In the Middle"

Weian totally showed me my long lost song at the right moment. Rocked out to it hard.

Strangers, Again

This pretty much fits the bill.

The Last

Hey guys. I've been absent from this blog for the past few months, and it's been complicated. Between AP testing, finals, rehearsals, and, of course, social shocks(?), I've had little to no time for sleep and blogging. To be honest, I didn't even want to record my final months of sophomore year.

But I will. I need a reminder to keep me strong. So here goes nothing: my final post on you-know-who.

These past two years have been a wild journey. It's been a constant war between who gives in and who does what. I've over-simplified, but it comes down to this. The timeline is meant for me, so ignore this.

1. Fall 2011: Courtship throughout marching band
2. New Years of 2012: Manipulated me into trying out this relationship
3. Up until Junior Prom: I stuck around for him and resisted his attempts to move faster
4. April 2012: "Honeymoon" period where we were equally happy with each other
5. Spring Break 2012: Decided I could not date him; tried breaking up; didn't work
6. Up until August 2012: I sacrificed what I wanted so I could help him move on after the break-up.
7. Up until December 2012: Made it absolutely clear that I could not sustain a relationship and tried verbally reasoning with him; still stuck around but inadvertently ignored him; he was hurt
8. Up until February 2013: Intentionally mean to him so he would get the point; he was hurt
9. Up until last week of March 2013: I was personally going through a tough time but sacrificed my personal well-being to try to make up for the Dec-Feb time frame; was ignored; he was hurt
10. Last week of March: He deliberately fell in love with a person who violated his every moral and dated her while ignoring my pleas for help
11. Up until AP testing: He lied to me about the relationship while I tried making it up to him
12. Up until now: Back and forth fighting about his other relationship

So what happened? Here's my self-reminder. Future self, take heed to what past self says.

Do not talk to him. Do not hope to get some sort of proof from him. Expect nothing and you won't be disappointed. Do not hope to be wrong. You are probably correct.

If he truly loved you, would he refuse to tell her the truth? You asked him to tell her that he's finished and that he did not read her letter. He ripped it up. He doesn't want to hear from her. Finito. He agreed to tell her this through Emily! He also said that he would tell you once he did.

No, instead, he took the cowardly route. He sent her an "anonymous email" without telling me. I asked for its contents. He didn't tell me. What can I even say to this? He refused to tell his sister. He refused to tell anybody what really happened, even me. He looked down on me when I tried finding solace by telling people I trusted. He looked down on me because he thought I liked to gossip. We're beyond gossip. We're talking about how I feel now. We're talking about what you did was wrong and how you failed to make up for it. 

Instead, you say you don't want to tell her that message. You don't want to tell her that you ripped up her letter or that you don't care for her anymore. Why? You did not give a legitimate reason... nothing about her mental tendencies or how she could try to avenge me. You told me that you didn't want to hurt her. You hurt me on purpose. I sacrificed the most for you.

-- Back to an objective stance... sorry, future self. I get riled up sometimes.

He didn't want to hurt her. Now, remember that. He didn't want to hurt her, because (the obvious reason is) he still had feelings for her. Whatever one week he spent with her and maybe even more... he still protected her feelings right before the France tour... he developed this love for her. He loved her. He still loves her.

Think about it. He still loves her. The only reason why he's not talking to her is because he knows that dating her was the wrong thing to do. He knows that dating her was a violation of every value he held. He's a selfish bastard. The only reason why he thinks he still loves me is because he knows that it's how it should be. It's because he feels guilty. He wants to right his wrong, but the poor fool can't see it himself. He's simply guilty and is fooled into thinking he loves me.

There are visible signs that this is true. He's unwilling to tell her for me. He's unwilling to show me that he doesn't have feelings for her. He values her feelings over my own, which is why he's willig to hurt me but not her. He doesn't remember how haunting it is to be around me. He doesn't remember what it's like to love me. He doesn't remember what it's like to be distracted by me.

While I was in Europe, I rarely had any wifi. He spent the time I was online practicing tuba, when he could've easily pushed it back 30 minutes or so. He didn't care if we talked. After my emotionally disturbing experience in Europe, he did nothing to comfort me. When I told him he drove me to near hysterics, he shouted at me some more... told me he was justified. He didn't care about my feelings.

~~~

So future self,

My final conclusion is that he just doesn't care about you enough to tell her off for you. Why? He's still in love with her. Somehow, along the way, he stopped caring about you. Now everything is out of formalities extended from his guilty conscious. 

Allison, you're finished with him. Even if he tells her now, it means nothing. He lost his window to prove it to you. He lost his chance. You had to go dig for proof. You gave him the benefit of the doubt. This led to nothing-- no proof whatsoever. Now, he needs to prove himself beyond what I suggest. He needs to show negation of what he felt/feels for her as well as affirmation of what he feels/felt for you.

I'm absolutely sure he won't try. I'm absolutely sure he won't dispute this either. Now, it'll only show how much he cares. It's an affirmation to your conclusion, Allison. 

The hard truth is that he simply no longer cares about you in a way that's worth your time. Don't say goodbye. You've said it enough times. Now, it's time to just leave and never look back.