Yay, here goes nothing!

Because you're still acting like responding is an obligation.
And then you stopped altogether.
So yes, I was tired of expecting a response.

Solutions:
1. Confront the problem through reason and words. tried and failed
2. Ignore the problem by working. tried and failed
3. Listen to Taytay and sit the sadness out through tears. in progress

Literally. Feel. Like. Shit.

Waiting for time to heal the wounds...
Or maybe just waiting for my excess of hormones to pass...
because these past few days have been utter hell.

Shit. Just shit.

Not a Best Friend

Let me say that I was angry for the wrong reasons tonight.  After your explanation, I get your side. Here is my side. Here are the valid reasons for my behavior-- the reason for why I reacted so strongly to you stealing my happiness.

Whatever happened last Thursday over break... it broke our relationship. It broke however you thought of me. But it didn't break what I thought of you.

I thought you'd be my best friend still. I thought we could at the very least be friends. What has happened this past week shows me no friendship. I was depressed. I was shattered because our science fair project failed. You saw that happening. You knew that I was going insane over it. If not, well then, you're not even reading my chats, much less caring about what I have to say.

"Get over it," you told me. It's not something I can just get over. You knew that. I continued to be self-torturing after your terrible advice. This project has been something I devoted so many hours to. You knew that. You knew that I was depressed over this project. You knew that I didn't need advice but I needed someone to just stay and comfort me.

Yet, as a friend, you did nothing. You stood by and watched me slowly deteriorate. Or perhaps, you didn't even stand by to watch me collapse into a pile of self-pity. You just stopped caring. That's not what a best friend does. That's not even what a friend does.

Did you even care? Did you even care for the slightest bit after January? Did you care for me in a platonic way at all? Call me unreasonable. You don't care at this point, so I'm writing this to just voice my thoughts. Because at this point? I don't expect you to act.

You are not my friend. You are an acquaintance who sees me hurting from afar but doesn't do anything to help it. You are the person I talk to out of formality in 6th period. You resort to shallow small talk. Then, you try to give me news every other day. "Oh, I got wait listed to Caltech!" And when I tried to be happy for you but couldn't celebrate because I was so ruined, you didn't even take note. You suddenly waltzed away to your own life when the going got tough. I'm not saying that you're not busy. I'm saying that you can't care enough to ask me how it's going anymore.

Oliver was fun. Oliver was a break in my life that allowed me to be happy for that sweet 10 minutes post-show. I will never forget the pure bliss of those 10 minutes. Ten minutes of just thinking how amazing the musical was and how amazing my life was going to be okay. Ten minutes of thinking that I'm going to be okay. That's why I joined the music program-- for that 10 minutes of happiness that has been so rare in my life as of late. It's why I joined mock trial-- for the 30 minutes before a trial where everybody's a team. It's why I have friends, so that even when I don't ask for it, they make me smile.

And today, you failed me. I hate that you did, because you have rarely failed me before. You've always been there. If it was only out of obligation as a boyfriend, do tell me. That'd be a sad, sad reason to stick with me. As for tonight, I get that it's a misunderstanding, but I don't fully believe your story overall. To clarify, I don't believe that you still view me as a friend... much less a best friend, as you put it today.

If you still cared for me, you would've talked to me this past week about how terrible I was feeling. You would've taken two minutes away from intermission and entertaining the drama kids to just talk to me for once. You haven't tried to talk to me  this whole week, except for after rehearsal. And a dull "do you want a ride" is not an invitation for conversation. Why can't you talk to me when I'm awkwardly standing on the fringes of the group? Why couldn't you talk to me in the middle of rehearsal? Why did I have to be the afterthought reserved for after rehearsal? Why do you have to wait until this moment where I blow up you from pent up emotion?

I tried to put this science fair thing behind me. I tried so hard to be happy. You should have seen me struggling. If you actually looked and listened, you would have saw me struggling.


For the future, I can still talk to you. I can still have a laugh every once in a while. But what I can't do is be your friend. I don't see you as a friend I can depend on anymore. I sure as hell want to, but that'd just be fooling myself. So you're right for once. Nice job adapting to my words. Now, let me follow my own advice and stop this crazy dependence on you. It's been a nice run.

Lord of the Flies Analysis- Ch 9

Think about it: severed pig head on the stick, dead parachutist, Simon. All are a manifestation of the beastie, AKA this fear of innate savagery. All are sacrificed in order to "secure" society from the beastie. All are undignified in some sort of way by society. All are naturally good.

Each one covers a different level of victimization! The pig represents the natural world. Simon represents the group of boys on the island. The dead parachutist represents the adult world.

That, my friend, will be my essay.

Must exercise. Must do sit-ups.