Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Workload... what?
Tonight, I must read 120 pages for my computer science course, which starts tomorrow! I am most definitely scared and most definitely unprepared. (I am only on pg. 14.) But, I think I can do it. Wish me luck!
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Mémoire 5: What We Were
I once thought that nobody else could get between us. Nobody. Not your best friends and not mine, because frankly well.. we were all each other's best friends. What is it that caused our disconnect? I now know. No, it wasn't that I had a life apart from our little 8th grade group. It was me.
It was that I "preferred" and spent time with others outside our little group. One by one, we broke off. We floated off into a dark space and never to be found again. Physically, we see each other every day at school. Emotionally, we are nowhere where we used to be. Between the two of us, we smiled at each other every day in 1st semester freshmen year and said, "at least we got each other". But in 2nd semester, we started drifting. It wasn't you who changed. I did.
Between the two of us, you were the coward. You didn't talk to me. You didn't challenge my neglect. You took our friendship for granted and so did I. So when it broke, you didn't know how to fix it. And now, I don't know how to fix it. But I, I refuse to sit by the sidelines and watch 3 years of happiness go to waste. I will be proactive. I will try to make amends. So Monday, it's the last-ditch attempt. If my words can't change our friendship, nothing else can. In this case, time is only the enemy. I will forever cherish the last few years in which you were my constant companion. And I will try not to wince or tear up as I watch you cherish your last few years in high school in which you will be another's constant companion.
The reason why we broke is the same reason why it will be so hard for me to fix this relationship. We never had honesty. We were distantly emotionally intimate if that makes any sense. We never came out and said what we wanted to say. So instead, we said what we wanted to say through jokes. Now, when it comes to this critical period in which you've already given up and I am close to giving up, honesty is the only thing that can fix us. But for this to happen, it takes great courage on both parts. What I will discover on Monday is whether you care about our friendship. It will leave me either a very happy person or a sad, lost soul. You always know what to say to comfort me, much better than anybody else I met. I can say that with clear, definitive confidence. It's a talent that got you into my life, and it's also a decoy for acting like you care that I can now identify.
On Monday, I only have one weapon: what we once felt for each other. Pure, innocent love and then neglect. This is the only way I forsee that would have such a profound effect that even you would listen. Yes, you, the joking, emotionless you. Monday will not only be a test of our relationship but also the test of your character. Are you emotionally mature enough to come to terms with what I'm saying?
My ultimate gamble is that in order for my plan of order to work my interpretation of our relationship must be correct. If I am incorrect in this, then I will have underestimated and wrongly interpreted everything that occurred in the past few years.
I, myself, am not feeling so strongly about this talk. With every "if" statement is another opportunity to embarrass myself and another opportunity for you to walk away. It is a tenuous link chain that with each prerequisite the probability of success minimizes. To be honest, I see no realistic happy ending. Perhaps, you'll go home and think about it a bit. But overall, you will forget about it. "The ends do not justify the costs. Our friendship is unsalaveable and unneeded." At school, you'll look at me like I've changed too dramatically to be me. I'll look at you, make eye contact, and quickly look away so that I won't feel anymore remorse than I need to. You'll blandly ask me what I got on my math test to keep our friendship "alive". I'll blandly reply and smile a bit but leave because you just made eye contact with your new best friend. I'll sit every day behind you and wonder where things went wrong.
I understand that you are over the pain I caused you through neglect. Karma seems to always come around and stab you in the back where you least expect it. I will be over the pain too. It might take a little bit longer. It might be a little more painful. But by the end, we will be what we once thought was impossible-- strangers.
It was that I "preferred" and spent time with others outside our little group. One by one, we broke off. We floated off into a dark space and never to be found again. Physically, we see each other every day at school. Emotionally, we are nowhere where we used to be. Between the two of us, we smiled at each other every day in 1st semester freshmen year and said, "at least we got each other". But in 2nd semester, we started drifting. It wasn't you who changed. I did.
Between the two of us, you were the coward. You didn't talk to me. You didn't challenge my neglect. You took our friendship for granted and so did I. So when it broke, you didn't know how to fix it. And now, I don't know how to fix it. But I, I refuse to sit by the sidelines and watch 3 years of happiness go to waste. I will be proactive. I will try to make amends. So Monday, it's the last-ditch attempt. If my words can't change our friendship, nothing else can. In this case, time is only the enemy. I will forever cherish the last few years in which you were my constant companion. And I will try not to wince or tear up as I watch you cherish your last few years in high school in which you will be another's constant companion.
The reason why we broke is the same reason why it will be so hard for me to fix this relationship. We never had honesty. We were distantly emotionally intimate if that makes any sense. We never came out and said what we wanted to say. So instead, we said what we wanted to say through jokes. Now, when it comes to this critical period in which you've already given up and I am close to giving up, honesty is the only thing that can fix us. But for this to happen, it takes great courage on both parts. What I will discover on Monday is whether you care about our friendship. It will leave me either a very happy person or a sad, lost soul. You always know what to say to comfort me, much better than anybody else I met. I can say that with clear, definitive confidence. It's a talent that got you into my life, and it's also a decoy for acting like you care that I can now identify.
On Monday, I only have one weapon: what we once felt for each other. Pure, innocent love and then neglect. This is the only way I forsee that would have such a profound effect that even you would listen. Yes, you, the joking, emotionless you. Monday will not only be a test of our relationship but also the test of your character. Are you emotionally mature enough to come to terms with what I'm saying?
My ultimate gamble is that in order for my plan of order to work my interpretation of our relationship must be correct. If I am incorrect in this, then I will have underestimated and wrongly interpreted everything that occurred in the past few years.
I, myself, am not feeling so strongly about this talk. With every "if" statement is another opportunity to embarrass myself and another opportunity for you to walk away. It is a tenuous link chain that with each prerequisite the probability of success minimizes. To be honest, I see no realistic happy ending. Perhaps, you'll go home and think about it a bit. But overall, you will forget about it. "The ends do not justify the costs. Our friendship is unsalaveable and unneeded." At school, you'll look at me like I've changed too dramatically to be me. I'll look at you, make eye contact, and quickly look away so that I won't feel anymore remorse than I need to. You'll blandly ask me what I got on my math test to keep our friendship "alive". I'll blandly reply and smile a bit but leave because you just made eye contact with your new best friend. I'll sit every day behind you and wonder where things went wrong.
I understand that you are over the pain I caused you through neglect. Karma seems to always come around and stab you in the back where you least expect it. I will be over the pain too. It might take a little bit longer. It might be a little more painful. But by the end, we will be what we once thought was impossible-- strangers.
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