I'm pretty sure you're the only person who may actually read this. And for sure, you're the only person who knows I'm the one writing all these posts. Hopefully, you'll see this later on, perhaps in a few days.
I was watching SNL tonight. They were running a skit and I wasn't even exactly tuned in. In fact, I was thinking of you and what I said and how you responded. But this one part popped out at me.
"Isn't this all a little too much deception for just a guy?"
"Oh yeah but every once in a while, you'll find the
one, someone who you can just be yourself around."
Wait, could you be correct?
I think that... we could've. It's not like I didn't want to. It's just that everything was so abrupt. Everything was so intense for the first outing. It seemed like months compressed into a few weeks. And this makes me sad because we could've. Just not now.
We were just at the right place at the wrong time. Haha. It's odd. We can never talk in person. But we find so much to say online. I thought at first it was because of everybody else's weird glances. Yesterday I was actually seeing if we could carry a similar conversation in person maybe alone. Instead....
I think I told you about this. A few years ago, I once did a research paper on happiness. My thesis varies from my current interpretation. My one finding was that everybody has something that could make them happy. However, the only one way to guarantee this rare blessing-- to be truly happy-- is to find acceptance of yourself. Being happy doesn't come from external factors. Rather, it comes from your inner self. And the key to that is to accept yourself.
No matter how this ends up. If the worst happens and we grow apart, my message to you and to myself (too!) is to be happy. If all ends well for both of us, be happy and remember our times because they were truly extraordinary. If fate lies with us and we actually keep in touch throughout all these years, we will be truly lucky.
You are a wonderful friend. And although we'll still see each other, I'm sad to say that after tonight things don't seem like they'll be the same. I hope they will be. I hope that we'll still confide in each other. I hope that we'll still be the best of friends. But you see, hopes and dreams, they don't always come true.
I just don't know why I feel like we're coming to a dead end. I hope my realism turned into pessimism. We wanted full out honesty. Right?
This is beyond the longest post I have ever written. Haha. I told you that you created the most drawn out emotions in me. I think this just got rid of my months-long writer's block. (Thank god!) But seriously, I need to ask you what we are.
This is maybe not the smartest idea posting it on the internet on a blog for potentially everyone to see but otherwise, I have no idea how to send this to you. I just feel like you need to discover this post by yourself. But then, you may have forgotten that I have this blog or not even care anymore. I hope that's not the case.
And with that, I'm off to (try to) sleep. Good night.
